A consumer’s guide to the best and...

A consumer’s guide to the best and worst of sports media and merchandise. Ground rules: If it can be read, played, heard, observed, worn, viewed, dialed or downloaded, it’s in play here.

What: “A Champion Forever: The History of the U.S. Open” CD.

Price: $17.48 (MonsterSounds

Entertainment).

An hour-long spoken-word history of golf’s U.S. Open, sandwiched around two lilting golf ballads by Terry (“Talkin’ Baseball”) Cashman? Can you say: Industrial Strength Sleeping Aid?

According to the publicity information, “ ‘A Champion Forever’ captures the memories of the most coveted title and the greatest names in golf.” More accurately, “A Champion Forever” captures the memories of wincing around the office water cooler while co-workers drone on about yesterday’s scintillating round at the local muni.

Cashman, author of the inexplicably popular “Willie, Mickey and The Duke (Talkin’ Baseball)” and its assorted spinoffs, wrote and produced the CD--primarily, it appears, as an excuse to release his golf songs.

“Swingin’ Easy (The Golf Song)” is basically a rewrite of “Talkin’ Baseball,” rhapsodizing about a rarefied day on the public links, where the hacker warns: “So look out Arnie, look out Jack/I just made a birdie/And I’m heading for the back.”

“A Champion Forever (Song For The U.S. Open)” is treacly, hopelessly sentimental and borderline unlistenable.

And there’s Fuzzy out there wavin’

And Sarazen sand-savin’

And Tommy Kite is flyin’ high at last . . .

Let the play unfold

Who will next the trophy hold

And then be told

You’re a champion forever

The Golf Channel has proven that there exists an audience that never tires of watching golf. But listening to golf on a CD--that’s a frontier that may never be conquered.