Punch Lines

Americana: The White House and the GOP agreed on a budget deal, says Argus Hamilton. “Not everyone is happy with it. Single Californians were very upset to learn that our inner child doesn’t qualify us for the $500 tax credit.”

The FBI chief admitted that the agency violated Richard Jewell’s rights in questioning him about the Atlanta bombing. Explains the Cutler Daily Scoop, “You have to be told of your right to remain silent, even if you’ve already been interviewed on every TV show in America.”

Mob boss Vincent “the Chin” Gigante was convicted of racketeering and conspiracy this week. “Prosecutors finally proved he was not mentally ill--turns out he had just become dazed and confused after watching the campaign fund-raising hearings.” (Brian J. Hill)

“The current No. 1 box office draw is ‘Air Force One,’ ” says Steve Voldseth. “It pulled in more than $37 million last weekend, which is almost as much as the real Air Force One.”

* “Harrison Ford plays the president in ‘Air Force One.’ Well, turnabout is fair play. For the last four years, President Clinton has been playing Indiana Jones in ‘Raiders of the Lost Files.’ ” (Hamilton)

*

Clear Days in Schools: At least three teachers in the L.A. School District are using Scientology methods in their classrooms. “I assume these are not German teachers.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Among the teachings is making students look up words in the dictionary. Wow! Amazing! No wonder they built a religion around this Hubbard guy.” (Daily Scoop)

*

On the Tube: “Beavis & Butt-head” is coming to an end. “MTV says the show was too highbrow for its audience.” (Daily Scoop)

“Donny and Marie Osmond may reunite as talk show hosts,” says Alan Ray. “This brother and sister act is an important American icon. They serve to remind us that the ‘70s weren’t all fun and games.”

CBS will make a TV film based on Marcia Clark’s book about the O.J. Simpson trial, “Without a Doubt.” “It will run for two hours--10 minutes of plot, the rest in sidebars.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “While casting has not yet begun, Hollywood insiders have learned that Marlon Brando has expressed interest in playing the mountain of evidence.” (Bob Mills)

*

Disney Universe: Disney has bought alternative music’s Mammoth Records. “You can expect some changes now,” says Premiere Morning Sickness. “For one thing, all women being chased by musicians must be carrying plates of food.”

Reader Winifred Treimer of Hollywood received this thank-you note for a gift from her cousin’s 9-year-old grandson.

“Roses are red, violets are blue. You’re an old lady, but I love you.”