LAUGH LINES

* Bob Dylan is the performer at the company picnic for Applied Materials Inc., a Microsoft competitor. “The answer, my friends, is not blowin’ in the wind. The answer is in the stock option.” (Bill Williams)

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* The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration ruled citizens must get permission to get air bag cut-off switches. “But Americans have had air bag cut-off switches for more than 200 years,” says Argus Hamilton. “They’re called elections.”

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* Iraq burned and shredded a bunch of documents and says they don’t have them because the maids threw them away. “President Clinton is furious, saying, ‘Why didn’t we think of that?’ ” (Bill Maher)

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* The U.S. is making preparations for an El Nin~o winter. “Midwestern folks are urged to help those who can’t help themselves,” says Alan Ray. “People are being encouraged to take in a Chicago Bear.”

“My wife says I remind her of El Nin~o. All she ever hears from me is what I’m going to do.” (Bob Thomas)

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* The last original installment of Beavis and Butt-head has been made. It’s called “Beavis and Butthead Are Dead.” “Finally, the rest of their beings catch up with their brains.” (Gary Easley)

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* “The Colts’ victory over Green Bay last Sunday proves any team can win any Sunday,” says Hamilton. “Packer fans weren’t embarrassed. These people wear cheese on their heads. How can they be embarrassed by a football game?”

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* “New high-tech devices will help commuters with traffic,” says Kenny Noble Cortes. “Speaking for San Diego Freeway commuters, we don’t need high-tech devices unless they come equipped with sidewinder missiles and smart bombs.”

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* “Star Trek” actor Patrick Stewart is now playing Othello at the Shakespeare Theatre in Washington, D.C. “Critics complained, however, after Stewart killed Desdemona with a phaser.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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* “Barbie will get a wider waist, slimmer hips and a smaller bust to appear more realistic. Then there’s the new ‘Divorce Barbie.’ She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.” (Cortes)

“Everywhere you look, women are debating this issue--Barbie’s breasts. Why can’t women be more like men, and focus on Barbie the person?” (Jay Leno)

“Barbie is being given more realistic proportions,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “In related news, Ken announced he is leaving Barbie for the new Pamela Anderson doll.”

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* Teamster president Ron Carey has been barred from running in the next election because of campaign fraud. “There’s a lesson here for all of us,” says J.C. Arroyo. “Next time you buy an election, don’t forget to buy a judge too.”