LAUGH LINES

The GOP’s Dan Burton says he might hire lip readers to decipher what President Clinton was saying on the White House videotapes. “Is that such a good idea, Dan? You know what happened the last time a Republican asked people to read lips.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Investigators suspect the tapes might have been altered. “They became suspicious when Industrial Light and Magic was listed in the credits.” (Alex Kaseberg)

“The White House denies it doctored the tapes. Aides to the president have more important things to do than edit video. Like making phone calls.” (Alan Ray)

* “The Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh is having an exhibit at New York’s Whitney Museum of American Art on Nov. 8,” says Bill Williams. “Better hurry. It will only be open for 15 minutes.”

* For the first time, the CIA has revealed its budget--$26.6 billion. “A lot of that has been used to cover up the plan to assassinate Fidel Castro by natural causes.” (Bill Maher)

“If anyone believes that’s all the CIA is spending, they’re a few cryptos short of a code.” (Daily Scoop)

* When he was in Brazil, President Clinton said we have to work harder to bridge the gap between the haves and the have-nots, says Jay Leno. “And who is in a better position? He already has the phone numbers of all the haves, so why doesn’t he have them call the have-nots and give them some money?”

* The FBI has hired the former head of a nuclear weapons lab with no forensic experience to head up its troubled crime lab. “It appears they’ve decided to blow up the lab and start from scratch.” (Johnny Robish)

* Many in the San Fernando Valley want to split from Los Angeles. “Residents seek their own unique identity,” explains Ray. “The first meeting of Citizens for Secession will be held between the Baskin Robbins and the Kmart.”

* Dan Quayle criticized Al Gore’s support for the “Ellen” show--”once again proving he’d rather be a critic for TV Guide than president.” (Daily Scoop)

“Gore praised ‘Ellen’ for ‘forcing Americans to look at sexual orientation in a more open light.’ He also lauded the show’s fair treatment of campaign finance abuses by not mentioning them.” (Bob Mills)

* Heirs of the Three Stooges are suing a Web site for using Moe, Larry and Curly without permission, says Argus Hamilton. “They’re suing NASA next. The Mir space station was obviously stolen from ‘The Three Stooges in Outer Space.’ ”

* “The Spice Girls are on their first concert tour,” says Ray. “Critics are trying to define this group. On a pure talent level, they’re somewhere between Milli and Vanilli.”

* “Al Gore says the administration is way ahead of everyone on El Nino,” says Maher. “In fact, they’ve already begun sandbagging the Justice Department.”