THE TIMES’ RANKING BY T.J. SIMERS

1. Denver (1-0): Please, be kind to Seattle.

2. Green Bay (1-0): Lackluster opener shows Pack no match even for G.I. Jane.

3. Dallas (1-0): See what happens when a coach holds a gun to the players’ heads.

4. New England (1-0): Yeah, who needs Parcells?

5. Jacksonville (1-0): Rob Johnson can play on crutches and beat the Giants.

6. Cincinnati (1-0): With every victory, David Shula looks dumber.

7. Washington (1-0): Davis replaces Allen: We know he can take a beating.

8. Miami (1-0): J.J. threatens to bench Marino. Is he taking advice from Switzer?

9. Detroit (1-0): What do coaches have against using Barry Sanders?

10. Minnesota (1-0): Dennis Green setting himself up for playoff disaster again.

11. Carolina (0-1): They ought to be getting senior citizen salary-cap discount.

12. Pittsburgh (0-1): Stewart topples as soon as training wheels are removed.

13. Tampa Bay (1-0): The team that destroyed San Francisco.

14. San Francisco (0-1): Druckenmiller to Stokes, not exactly Montana to Clark.

15. New York Jets (1-0): O’Donnell brings back memories of Namath--for three hours.

16. Tennessee (1-0): Now unwanted in two states.

17. Oakland (0-1): “Men in Black” is a comedy. Slugs in Silver & Black are a tragedy.

18. Kansas City (0-1): Only one who can shut down Hill is Schottenheimer.

19. New York Giants (1-0): Two wins in a row and they get a ticker-tape parade.

20. St. Louis (1-0): 49ers trying to win minus Young-Rice is like Rams without Georgia.

21. Philadelphia (0-1): Over-and-under on Detmer being pulled is 7 plays.

22. Indianapolis (0-1): Harbaugh asks out of game after running for his life.

23. Arizona (0-1): Governor guilty of fraud, but Cardinals cleared.

24. Buffalo (0-1): Smith’s driver’s license suspended; foe will provide ride.

25. Baltimore (0-1): Ravens can’t sell out; didn’t have that problem in Cleveland.

26. Atlanta (0-1): Falcons take vote--decide to finish the season.

27. Seattle (0-1): Seahawks sign Gino Torretta; Paul Allen spares no expense.

28. Chicago (0-1): Bears and Cubs combined 15 1/2 games out of first.

29. San Diego (0-1): Chargers go with Everett; Dieter Brock not available.

30. New Orleans (0-1): Shuler lasts three quarters. Exceeds expectations.