Your Bet Your Life He Can Solve Murders

In Ron Goulart’s new novel, “Groucho Marx, Master Detective,” the mustachioed cigar smoker “teams up with an ex-police reporter turned radio script writer” to try to solve a 1930s murder.

On the movie screen, of course, Groucho often confronted danger. In “Animal Crackers,” he revealed: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas--how he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

And his intuitive crime solving talents were the equal of Philip Marlowe’s, as he demonstrated in “Horse Feathers”:

Woman: “My husband is dead.”

Groucho: “I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse.”

Woman: “I was with him to the end.”

Groucho: “No wonder he passed away.”

Woman: “I held him in my arms and kissed him.”

Groucho: “So it was murder!”

ONLY IN L.A. GOES TABLOID . . . : Dan Brown of San Pedro sent along a passage from the syllabus of an out-of-town college that would have appealed to Groucho. And Dorothy White of Newhall found a weight machine offer that seemed to include an inflatable companion (see accompanying).

THE NOT-SO-BIG ISLAND: When a list of funny comments about Catalina appeared in this column, Doug Shelton of Palo Alto was reminded of his baseball days at Mary Star High in San Pedro. During a game on a gorgeous afternoon, an opposing player stared out to sea, spotted land and said, “Look, there’s Hawaii.”

Shelton added: “He was serious.”

Bob Woodroof, a Pepperdine professor, heard a similar reaction from a foreign resident who was visiting the campus on a day when Catalina was distinctly visible. (I believe that is the first time I’ve received two letters from readers on the same day about clear skies in Southern California.)

SALUTING THE ARROGANT WORMS: With the return of the syndicated Doctor Demento Show to radio station KLSX (97.1 FM) on Sunday nights, I asked Dr. D, a Lakewood resident, to name some of his favorite song titles.

Without further ado . . . :

* “Cows With Guns, “ Dana Lyons.

* “Carrot Juice Is Murder,” the Arrogant Worms.

* “Get Off the Phone and Drive,” Dan Chopin.

* “Marilyn Monroe Had Six Toes,” the Refreshments.

* “Hacker’s Rap, Part II (The Inter-Nut),” Whimsical Will Simpson.

* “The Eggplant That Ate Chicago,” Dr. West’s Medicine Show and Junk Band.

* “Blame It on El Nino,” Valerie Johnson & the Blues Doctors.

* “Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out,” Shel Silverstein.

* “(You Can Have It, I Don’t Want It) Daylight Saving Time,” Gus Arnheim and his Orchestra.

* “(I’m Looking Over) My Dead Dog Rover” by Hank, Stu, Dave & Hank--not to be confused with “Dead Puppies (Aren’t Much Fun),” by Ogden Edsl.

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The Times reported that Elvis’ star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame has been removed so it can be repaired. But if you need a personal keepsake, you can order an “Elvis and Graceland Tribute” model rifle for just $1,850. The Elvis rifle can be obtained from a company in Mechanicsville, Va., on--I kid you not--Old Richfood Road.

Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.