Punch Lines

Teledating: PBS premiered the British children’s series “Teletubbies.” They don’t say much and have TV sets in the middle of their stomachs. In other words, they’re the dream date for most American men. (Ira Lawson)

Baby, You Can Drive My Spaceship: The No. 1 movie is “Lost in Space.” Even though it’s set hundreds of years in the future, it’s really a timeless story. A family goes on vacation. Mom can’t read a map. Dad won’t stop to ask for directions. (Jay Leno)

Psychobabble: A new version of “Psycho” will begin filming with a new director and cast. It will be different than the original: It will be in color, have hip young stars, and suck. (Dennis Miller)

A Job for a Titan: More on the new theater to be built in Hollywood to house the Academy Awards: James Cameron says he can bring it in for under $300 million. (Joe Kevany)

An Untimely Man: Time magazine listed the 20 most influential leaders of the 20th century. Named were FDR, Churchill, Thatcher and Reagan. President Clinton didn’t make the list, but Playgirl just named him Bachelor of the Month. (Argus Hamilton)

Face-Off: The Mars Global Surveyor sent back pictures of the “face” on the Martian surface. To me, it looks like Tammy Faye Bakker ran into a sliding glass door. (Jerry Perisho)

Paris I: Michael Jackson and his wife named their new baby girl Paris, because that’s where the baby was conceived. Well, that and it’s easier to spell than “In Vitro.” (Steve Voldseth)

Paris II: I guess Michael named his daughter Paris because that’s where she was conceived. Rich, famous people do that. They name the child where they made love. Local folks can’t do that. You don’t want your son named Burbank. (Leno)

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Paris III: Top Ways to Tell There’s a New Baby in the Jackson House:

* Michael is now eligible for the group rate at his plastic surgeon’s office.

* Llamas and monkeys get kicked out of Michael’s bedroom--at least for the first few months.

* Michael switches from normal makeup to a “child-friendly and fingerprint-free” high-gloss enamel! (Premiere Radio)

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.