Punch Lines
Safety Measures: General Motors announced recently that it will start selling automobiles over the Internet. “Is it a good idea? Do you want an air bag going off in your face every time your computer crashes?” (Argus Hamilton)
Sharp Attack: An Arizona man got four years in jail for robbing a bank with an electric razor. “He used to hold up banks with a disposable but found it was only good for two, maybe three, robberies.” (Jeff Corveau)
Shark Attack: Two Miami lawyers were convicted for helping a Colombian drug cartel deliver death threats. “Victims had suspected lawyers were involved when they found threatening notes pinned to the wall, along with invoices for the time spent typing them up.” (Corveau)
Drama Trauma: The Department of Veterans Affairs has set up a national hotline for people traumatized by the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” “In fact, they say if it works there, they’re going to set one up for all of Paulie Shore’s movies.” (Steve Voldseth)
The Stoner: Happy birthday to Mick Jagger, who just turned 55. “Mick Jagger’s at that awkward age now. He’s between being a Stone and passing one.” (Jay Leno)
The Big Lizard: Columbia TriStar Pictures announced that “Godzilla” is coming out on home video. “Why? If I wouldn’t pay seven bucks to see it in the theater, why would I pay $24 to watch it at home?” (Leno)
*
David Letterman’s Top 10:
Top 10 Questions Ken Starr Plans to Ask Monica Lewinsky
10. “Can I try on that absolutely darling little beret?”
9. “Is it all right if my son Ringo asks a few questions?”
8. “In a past life, did you sleep with President Kennedy?”
7. “Was your security clearance at level 36C--uh, I mean, level C?”
6. “Is that hair gel?”
5. “Could you have a talk with my intern?”
4. “In the course of your encounters, did the president ever yell, ‘Yee Hah!’?”
3. “Are you mad at me for ruining your entire adult life?”
2. “Is it true he asked you if you would like to ‘go down in history’?”
1. “Did you inhale?”
*
SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
