Upon Further Review, Move Isn’t Out of This World

That noted sports publication, the New Yorker, recently printed an article on the World Cup by Adam Gopnik, a savvy admirer of the game but no apologist for its shortcomings.

Gopnik, on a much-glorified move by Brazilian star Ronaldo--a move that didn’t even result in a goal, but was treated by the International Herald Tribune “as though it were the whole of the Peloponnesian War”:

“A nice move, but exactly the same move that Emmitt Smith makes three times a game with three steroid-enraged 300-pound linemen draped on his back [and then Emmitt goes in to score] or that Mario Lemieux made three or four times a period after receiving radiation therapy for Hodgkin’s lymphoma and having three Saskatchewan farm boys whacking at his ankles with huge clubs [and then Mario would go in to score].”

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More kicks: Gopnik, on the game’s dullness: “In soccer, the defense has too big an edge to keep the contest interesting, like basketball before the coming of the 24-second clock, or the Western Front before the invention of the tank.”

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Trivia time: Which current major league teams have the highest all-time winning percentages in each league, through the 1997 season?

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Promotional pastime: Among all sports, baseball produces some of the most whimsical promotions.

When Richmond Brave General Manager Bruce Baldwin learned his team’s game against the Columbus Clippers on Aug. 13 fell on International Left-Handers Day, he planned a shindig in honor of the folks of Left Hand, W.Va., population 500.

The town, by the way, is named for its location on the left branch of a creek.

At the game, Left Hand postmaster Jermone Phifer is scheduled to throw out the first pitch--even though he is right-handed.

“But my wife’s left-handed,” Phifer said.

Anita Phifer will be in the stands along with about 40 other residents of the town, all of whom signed up for free tickets and accommodations for the game.

One Hall of Famer from way back might have appreciated the whole bit.

Lefty Grove, a 300-game winner who died in 1975, was born not too far away, in Lonaconing, Md., in 1900.

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Trivia answer: The Dodgers in the National League at .539 and the New York Yankees in the American League at .565.

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And finally: The bottom line on soccer, courtesy of the New Yorker: “Soccer was not meant to be enjoyed. It was meant to be experienced. The World Cup is a festival of fate--man accepting his hard circumstances, the near-certainty of his failure. There is, after all, something familiar about a contest in which nobody wins and nobody pots a goal. Nil-nil is the score of life.”