Reality Imitates Art for a Fallen Charlie’s Angel

For the last few days, I have been following the Farrah Fawcett head case.

I want to find out if it’s true that a guy slammed Farrah’s head onto a driveway, and, if so, why, because I would really have no respect for a guy who would slam Farrah’s head onto a driveway.

Like a lot of boys, I once had Farrah’s famous pinup poster on the wall of my bedroom.

I took it down, of course, when I was, oh, 35.

Later on, I admired her work in a film called “The Burning Bed,” in which Fawcett portrays a battered woman who gets revenge on the guy who did the battering.

A few years later, I admired her work in a film called “Extremities,” in which Fawcett portrays an attacked woman who gets revenge on the guy who did the attacking.

I guess it’s true that art is just a dress rehearsal for life, because the actress has just taken the witness stand in Santa Monica to tell how a Hollywood producer-director named James Orr spent a portion of Jan. 28 “hitting my head on the asphalt.”

I’ve heard of drive-by crime.

This is new--driveway crime.

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As arguments go, this one was apparently a real doozy.

Fawcett says that she and Orr were having dinner--they had dated for a reported nine months--at a restaurant when they began to quarrel.

The disagreement allegedly dragged on for hours at his Mulholland Drive home--which I will do my best not to refer to as the Orr house--inside and out.

If her testimony is accurate, the 51-year-old actress finally went outside to leave and was followed by Orr, who called her a name that Charlie never called her back when she was an Angel.

As soon as Orr went back indoors, Fawcett followed him.

And indoors immediately felt like outdoors, because she kicked out a small glass window.

The driveway rumble followed, with Fawcett and Orr having different versions of who did what.

But it didn’t end there.

Upstairs, downstairs, the fight continued. She didn’t burn his bed. But each of them did grab a stool, which fighters are supposed to sit on, not swing. Orr allegedly struck her on the left arm with it.

At some point--I’m not entirely clear when--Fawcett also found a baseball bat and began doing a Roger Maris impression, making either Orr’s residence or his automobile further window-free. Jack Nicholson would have used a golf club, but generally, you use whatever sports equipment is handy.

“I was swinging and he was yelling,” she said under oath. “He was yelling, ‘You’re going to be sorry.’ ”

Fawcett felt she needed a doctor, but only one who would be discreet, so news of their fight wouldn’t get out.

She says Orr told her to go tell it to somebody “who gives a. . . . “

A security patrol car eventually pulled up, whereupon the actress identified herself and said she was going home. There, paramedics treated Fawcett and stitched up her head. But she declined to call police.

What caused the fight isn’t clear. One reported version says Fawcett turned down a marriage proposal from Orr. I guess that would be an additional twist, inasmuch as he once directed her in a film called “Man of the House.”

Even after their battle, the couple traveled to the Caribbean together. And a personal assistant to the actress testified Thursday that she and Fawcett cut up 10 Polaroid photographs taken of her injuries. These could be the first photographs of Farrah Fawcett in history that anyone ever deliberately destroyed.

Orr, 44, is being prosecuted for misdemeanor battery, punishable by a maximum two years in prison and $12,000 fine.

He denies the head-banging charge, saying he was simply holding Fawcett down.

So to speak.

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However it turns out, I hope Farrah is all right. I’ve been worried about her.

She recently did a Playboy video--I only watch Playboy videos for the stories--that made me extremely uncomfortable. Because there are documentary-style moments during it that Fawcett is near tears and seems on the verge of a breakdown. I’ve seen happier films by Ingmar Bergman.

And then she did David Letterman’s TV show, acting so spaced out that Dave did countless jokes about it. I remember he thanked his guests for being here and Farrah Fawcett for almost being here.

The woman in that 1970s pinup didn’t look as if she had a worry in the world.

I guess she does.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or phone (213) 237-7366.