Punch Lines

Harlequin’s Romance: Looks like Ken Starr will submit to Congress a 300-page report on this whole President Clinton affair. “He’s promised members of Congress that before he hands it in he’s going to underline all the juicy parts.” (Jay Leno)

Match Game 1998: The FBI Lab has received some of Bill Clinton’s DNA for matching against the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress. “According to a poll of the American people, 63% believe DNA testing is ‘very reliable,’ 26% say it’s ‘somewhat reliable,’ and the rest believe that O.J. didn’t do it.’ ” (Gary Easley)

Low Gear: Alcohol-related traffic deaths are at their lowest percentage ever. “Why? Dangerous drivers can’t hold a beer and a cell phone at the same time.” (Premiere Radio)

Party Beginners: Albany College in New York was named the nation’s top party school. “It’s only a start. They need 10 national titles before they can join Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Ohio State as an officially certified Betty Ford Preschool.” (Argus Hamilton)

For the Birds: The federal government says it’s ready to take the falcon off the endangered species list. “You know, I don’t see that many of them driving around. I see lots of Thunderbirds and an occasional Fairlane, but very few Ford Falcons.” (Jerry Perisho)

New Reports: More than a third of U.S. adults are online. “The rest of us are in line at the checkout, at the bank, at the post office, at the DMV. . . .” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Fit for a King: Horror novelist Stephen King confessed that what really frightens him are bugs, spiders and heights. “Hey, Stephen, I’ll tell you what really gives me the creeps . . . the prices on your paperbacks!” (Perisho)

Coffee Break: “Three Syracuse, N.Y., cops retired this summer and realized a lifelong dream. They opened a doughnut shop. But I don’t think it will last. They go in at 4 a.m. to make the doughnuts, but at 6 when they open, all the doughnuts are gone.” (Bill Williams)

Habitation Huts: According to a recent survey, 41% of women polled say their idea of the perfect romantic getaway is an isolated mountain cabin. “The other 59% apparently have actually been to Montana.” (Steve Voldseth)

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