Laugh Lines
The Lovely Linda: “It seems Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in those taped conversations that she hasn’t had sex with anyone in seven years. Isn’t that amazing? That means at some point in 1991, some guy got drunker than any man in history.” (Jay Leno)
Speaking of Animals: According to a new study in the journal Nature Genetics, 97% of mammals are not faithful to their mates. “Know what that means? That means the other 3% haven’t been caught yet.” (Leno)
Car Trouble: Ford and GM are being sued over charges that their subsidiaries provided vehicles and raw materials to the Nazis during World War II. “Predictably, the auto makers insist they never actually supplied such things to the Third Reich but were only taking orders.” (Joshua Sostrin)
Speaking of Cars: Last week marked the 85th anniversary of the drive-in gas station. “Which also made it the 85th anniversary of the first time anyone’s dad said, ‘I thought I told you to go before we left home.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)
The Mega-Merger: Exxon and Mobil have announced they will join forces. “This deal represents the best-publicized marriage of two behemoths since Tom Arnold and Roseanne.” (Jerry Perisho)
Moooola: The price of milk has gone up again. “They’re changing the question at the end of those commercials to: ‘Got a milk loan?’ ” (Gary Easley)
Exit Line: At Flip Wilson’s funeral, the preacher wondered why God would take Flip at such a young age. “A voice from heaven answered: ‘The devil made me do it.’ ” (Premiere Radio)
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