Finally, Here’s a Scandal We Can Understand

The bottom line of President Clinton’s impeachment problem is sex. We can’t escape it. Even the New York Times talks about it. The airwaves are full of it, and lately it has been the subject of rancorous debate in the House of Representatives.

The reason Americans are paying any attention at all to the story is that they can understand sex, but they can’t understand Iraq. They are hard put to fathom the economic recession in the Far East, but they’re very much at home discussing adultery in a bar.

If the president has any faults, and I’m not saying he does, it is in the area of candor. He did something he shouldn’t have, which is OK, but then he lied about it. All of us do things we shouldn’t, but all of us are not president of the United States.

So, as far as the Republicans are concerned, it is not the act but the denial that requires punishment.

The problem is that the majority of the people don’t want to lose their leader over an intern who could not keep her mouth shut--at least not while the price of heating oil is the lowest it’s been in a long time.

At the same time, lying about adultery is a serious crime--in the same class with hitting a Coke machine to see if coins will spill out.

We can’t let the president off scot-free. He has offered to be censured and flogged 10 times by Janet Reno at Camp David. But for the Republicans it is not enough.

Here are some other punishments that have been suggested:

* Have him be given a physical examination by Dr. Kevorkian.

* Attach a steel cuff to his ankle so we’ll know where he is at all times.

* Make him apologize to the People’s Republic of China in Mandarin.

After this nightmare is over, we will have to decide what we really have learned from the scandal.

What we have learned is that if you commit an indiscreet act, gladly admit to it if there are tapes to prove it.

Don’t trust people who say that stories about sex bore them. They are lying.

When a sex story breaks, you should be very careful wrapping fish in your newspaper.

Women are not always victims in a sexual situation. Sometimes they are the ones who ask you to RSVP.

The common wisdom is that sex is too serious to be left to Congress.