Dog-Training Monks? How Divine

Holy Bonsai Plant!: The best source for advice on training a dog is:

A) a veterinarian.

B) a pet shop.

C) a monk.

Regular readers of this column will know we wouldn’t even bother asking unless the answer was C, the monk.

As evidence, we cite “The Whole Heaven Catalog” (Bell Tower), a guide to products manufactured by monks, nuns and members of other religious communities. Among the institutions mentioned in the book is an Orthodox monastery in New York that produces dog-obedience videos, leather leashes and dog biscuits.

Other religious entrepreneurs:

* Catholic monks in Georgia cultivate tiny bonsai plants to help pay their bills.

* A group called Sikh Dharma provides 2,000 security guards for courtrooms and corporations.

* The Community of Jesus, a Protestant group based in Massachusetts, operates a lawn maintenance business.

* Nuns at the Monastery of St. Clare in Texas sell miniature horses for $3,000 to $5,000 apiece.

* Trappist monks at South Carolina’s Mepkin Abbey sell a product called Earth Healer, a fertilizer made from chicken droppings.

Frontier Justice Department: A radio station in Arkansas reportedly has broadcast the world’s first “live Furby execution.” The annoying toy was shot out of a cannon into a brick wall, dragged behind a Ford Bronco, and then skewered and barbecued.

Inflated Ego Department: Among the “memorabilia” that singer Billy Joel is auctioning off to raise money for high school music classes is a box he once used to carry his Stairmaster during a concert tour. Just the box. Minimum bid: $200.

Tree Obituary Bureau: An estimated 1,140 trees were killed to print the latest edition of Bride’s magazine, which weighs 4 1/2 pounds per copy. Total press run: 912,000 copies.

December Calendar Bureau: ‘Tis the season to be jolly. And to celebrate International Lipstick Week, National Pawnbrokers Day, National Underdog Day, National Whiners Day (oh man, aren’t they ever going to get rid of this one?), National Hug a Hearing-Impaired Person Week, International Calendar Awareness Month and National Make Up Your Mind Day (we guess December is a good month for this one, but April or September also would be nice).

Useless Polls Bureau: The male celebrity with whom people would most like to shop is Harrison Ford, according to a survey by Wards department stores. The top female mall companions would be Oprah Winfrey (27%), Katie Couric (20%) and Celine Dion (14%).

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Gal Uses Dead Hubby’s Ashes for Breast Implants! ‘I Wanted to Keep Him Close to My Heart,’ She Says” (Weekly World News)

An unexpected bonus: When she gets depressed, she sometimes “hears his voice coming from inside my breast, telling me to hang in there.”

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, “Chase’s 1998 Calendar of Events,” PR Newswire. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.