At Least They Weren’t Asked to Throw Food

Bernie Lincicome writing in the Chicago Tribune:

“Judging by the Sports Illustrated cover, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are not only the Sportsmen of the Year but Caesars Palace greeters of the year or day-spa towel boys of the year or at the very least most- embarrassing-posers-for- someone-else’s-dumb-idea of the year.

“Sure, the honor is great, but I’m betting SI didn’t ask Dean Smith to wear a tablecloth last year. Cal Ripken? Tiger Woods? Joe Montana? Hah, they wore the costumes of their glory. . . .

“Here’s what’s wrong with the idea. Your overriding thought: Where’s John Belushi? I think we all agree ‘Animal House’ pretty much eliminated the toga as a garment of honor.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NFL record for the longest punt return?

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Is that all? Dan Shaughnessy in the Boston Globe on the New England Patriots’ moving to Hartford, Conn.:

“So now Hartford has its stadium deal. And among bad ideas of this century, it’s right alongside the Edsel, New Coke, ‘Ishtar’ and Dan Rather signing off his newscast with ‘Courage.’ ”

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Who would dare: Even though Penn State finished with an 8-3 record and only 5-3 in the Big Ten Conference, Coach Joe Paterno said he really enjoyed the season.

“So many people say to me, how do you handle all the negatives?” Paterno told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “I don’t read the papers. I don’t listen to talk shows. And very few people come up to me and say, ‘Hey, Paterno, you’re a jackass.’ ”

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No option: Gymnast Dominique Moceanu’s father, Dumitru, was ordered by a judge to stay away from her for one year.

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Said Michael Ventre of MSNBC: “Failure to do so will result in Dumitru spending a lot of time looking at a set of even parallel bars.”

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Warm-hearted guy: Jim Armstrong in the Denver Post: “Are you sitting down? And, more important, have you digested your Cheerios? Seems Albert Belle has written a farewell letter, published in the Chicago papers, to his adoring public.

“Among other things, the letter says, ‘I could talk all day and then some about the fun-filled exploits I have shared with my teammates both on and off the playing field.’ ”

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Trivia answer: Robert Bailey of the L.A. Rams, 103 yards against the New Orleans Saints on Oct. 23, 1994.

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And finally: The retirement of Dennis Eckersley recalls the time Tony La Russa, then managing the Oakland Athletics, went to the mound to ask Eckersley how he felt. “I’m salad today,” Eckersley said. “I’m just tossing it up there.”

La Russa asked him if he had heard the forecast for that day. Eckersley replied: “No.” La Russa said: “Showers.”