Afraid to Watch? Wait, It Gets Scarier

It was six years ago, in simpler times, when we last checked in on Ebenezer Scourge, protagonist of a previously unpublished tract by Charles Dickens that was remarkably similar to his classic “A Christmas Carol.”

The literati will recall Scourge meeting the Ghosts of TV’s Past, Present and Future, and his dismay at learning that the Cratchits were a Nielsen family and that sweet, innocent Tiny Tim was alone in front of a set watching “Geraldo.”

History repeating itself, a second unpublished work about Ebenezer--even more devastating than the first--has now been found among Dickens’ papers.

Once more the setting is nighttime in a darkened mansion where Scourge, master of all TV, is awakened by loud, clanking sounds. And again, cowering behind his covers, a terrified Scourge is confronted by a ghost.

Scourge: Who are you?

Ghost: Look upon me, Scourge, for I am the Ghost of TV Future.

Scourge: What happened to the Ghosts of TV Past and Present?

Ghost: They’re going their way, I’m going mine.

Scourge: Like Ginger Spice?

Ghost: Exactly.

Scourge: What do you want to show me at this hour, ghost?

Ghost: I’m here to show you the error of your ways.

Scourge: Where are you taking me?

Ghost: To your television set.

Scourge: The picture isn’t very sharp.

Ghost: Haven’t you heard of digital? High-definition?

Scourge: At those prices?

Ghost: In any case, behold!

Scourge: What am I watching?

Ghost: A trial that’s being televised.

Scourge: Judge Judy?

Ghost: No, an impeachment trial in the U.S. Senate.

Scourge: Who is that being questioned?

Ghost: Do you not know? Look closely, Scourge. Behold!

Scourge: Monica Lewinsky?

Ghost: The same. Now look again. It’s another day.

Scourge: And someone else is testifying, someone older, bigger.

Ghost: Do you not recognize Linda Tripp, Scourge?

Scourge: Why do you torture me so, spirit?

Ghost: It gets worse, Scourge. Look again.

Scourge: It’s Oprah’s book club. Linda Tripp is there, and the audience is applauding and cheering.

Ghost: And what is the title of the autobiography Linda Tripp is holding up, Scourge?

Scourge: “I Am You.” Please, spirit, torment me no further.

Ghost: It gets much worse, Scourge. What do you see now?

Scourge: A man with a huge chin. Why, that looks like Jay Leno.

Ghost: The same.

Scourge: I can’t quite hear what he’s saying. Help me, spirit.

Ghost: Do you not know fat jokes aimed at Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp when you hear them, Scourge? And listen once more.

Scourge: No, no, not Bill Clinton zipper jokes. Please, spirit, no more.

Ghost: Now what do you see, Scourge?

Scourge: It’s “Meet the Press.” The topic is impeachment.

Ghost: Who is there?

Scourge: Larry Flynt.

Ghost: And?

Scourge: No, no, please.

Ghost: Don’t turn away, Scourge.

Scourge: Not him. Please, not him. Anyone but him.

Ghost: Yes, Scourge, James Carville.

Scourge: Will this nightmare never end?

Ghost: Keep your eyes on the screen, Ebenezer Scourge, and tell me what you see now.

Scourge: A man and woman walking and talking and arguing. It’s James Carville and his wife, Mary Matalin. You don’t mean. . . .

Ghost: Yes, they’re still making Alka-Seltzer commercials.

Scourge: I beseech you, spirit, show me no more. Release me from this terrible agony.

Ghost: And whom do you see opining about impeachment on “Larry King Live,” Scourge?

Scourge: Members of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Ghost: Look closer. Who is debating them?

Scourge: The cast of “Baywatch.” Please, spirit, I can bear no more of this.

Ghost: You must, Scourge, for behold!

Scourge: Why, it’s President Clinton, addressing the nation. He’s biting his lower lip like sweet, innocent Tiny Tim. His eyes are red and puffy. He’s distraught, in a terrible state. What does this mean, spirit? I must know what he’s saying to America.

Ghost: You won’t know, Scourge.

Scourge: Why, spirit? Tell me why.

Ghost: Because of this!

Scourge: It’s a freeway. I see cars, one speeding much faster than the others. And there’s a police car. And another. And another.

Ghost: Behold!

Scourge: The president’s speech to the nation is being preempted by a police chase.

Ghost: And that’s not all, Scourge, for behold again!

Scourge: No, no, not that. Say it’s not true, spirit.

Ghost: It is true.

Scourge: Team coverage!

Ghost: Still worse, exclusive team coverage!

Scourge: Where have you taken me now, ghost? Why are we in this graveyard?

Ghost: Read the tombstone, Ebenezer Scourge.

Scourge: Must I?

Ghost: You must.

Scourge: It says, “Here lies reason, civility and the public interest.”

Ghost: What say you now?

Scourge: No more, I implore you. I’ve seen the error of my ways. I’m enlightened, renewed, energized. I promise to reform the medium in 1999, to stop seeing viewers only as demographics, to triumph over tabloid, and to use the airwaves to elevate society and the public discourse.

Ghost: One more thing, Ebenezer Scourge.

Scourge: Anything you say, spirit.

Ghost: Buy a new TV set.