Punch Lines

* Silence Is Golden: Michael Bolton says he recorded a new CD of opera songs because he was inspired by Pavarotti. “If only we could get him to do one inspired by Marcel Marceau.” (Steve Voldseth)

* Drive-Thru Restaurants: A West Virginia state Senate committee approved a bill that would legalize collecting and eating road kill. “That adds a frightening new dimension to jaywalking.” (Jerry Perisho)

* Well, Clancy That: Best-selling author Tom Clancy bought the Minnesota Vikings. “His first priority is replacing the quarterback with a well-read but scrappy ex-CIA researcher.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* Wonders of the World: After seven years of scraping, filing and sanding, the restoration of Egypt’s famous Sphinx is done. “Which is amazing when you consider that it took nine years to do Cher.” (Voldseth)

* Obligatory Clinton Joke: The Star says a close pal of Hillary always stays over at the White House when the first lady is away to keep an eye on Bill. “She’s doing a great job, huh? I think her last job was iceberg spotter on the Titanic.” (Jay Leno)

* Hillary II: Hillary says Bill is so generous, she’s seen him take off his tie and give it to a stranger. “What she didn’t say is that that’s when she stopped the game by tipping over the poker table.” (Jeff O’Neill)

* EuroClinton: In a survey, 46% of European women said they’d have sex with Clinton if given the chance. “The remaining 54% said, ‘Be patient. He just left a few minutes ago. He’ll get to you soon.’ ” (Voldseth)

* Infidelity: Cuban leader Fidel Castro expressed his support of Clinton as he deals with the Monica Lewinsky matter. “That’s the kind of support Clinton needs--from the dictator of a backward country where teenage prostitution is legal.” (Jerry Perisho)

* Fossilized Bugs: Prehistoric ants have been discovered in New Jersey. “It’s significant. Scientists can now estimate the date of man’s very first picnic.” (Alan Ray)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 other accusations against the president . . .

10. Uses Moscow hot line to have phone sex with Mrs. Yeltsin.

8. Writes letters to Penthouse under the name “Hillbilly No. 1.”

7. Fathered three of the seven McCaughey septuplets.

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