Punch Lines

Dishonest Abe? “If Lincoln were president today, there’d be a special prosecutor asking exactly what he meant by the phrase ‘four score’ and whether it involved White House interns.” (Jerry Perisho)

Nagano Update: “Should snowboarding even be an Olympic event? Any sport invented during the filming of a Mountain Dew commercial shouldn’t be taken that seriously.” (Jay Leno)

Sweetheart Deal: L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan will remarry on Valentine’s Day. “The MTA will provide the wedding cake, complete with a sinkhole in the middle.” (Paul Ecker)

Oscar Update: The nominees for best actor are Dustin Hoffman for “Wag the Dog,” Jack Nicholson for “As Good as It Gets” and Bill Clinton for the line “I never asked anyone to do anything but tell the truth.” (Bob Mills)

Oscar II: “A philosophical question: If ‘The Full Monty’ wins best picture, will the producers be asked to hold up their statuette backward?” (Mills)

Starr Trek: The Lewinsky home in Brentwood has been mobbed by TV cameras. “What Brentwood needs is a little more attention. JonBenet Ramsey’s parents have just put in a bid for O.J.’s house.” (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Spinoff: Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. “In the job, she’ll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.” (Steve Voldseth)

Fire Safety Tip: Rap star Q-Tip’s home in New Jersey caught fire this week. “Fortunately, Q-Tip escaped safely along with his friends Cotton Balls and Cuticle Scissors.” (Premiere Radio)

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The Substitute Top 10 List:

Comedy writer Steve Voldseth’s top 10 rejected plots for the final “Seinfeld”:

10. Jerry wakes up, realizes it was all Bob Newhart’s dream.

8. George’s mom talks the gang into trying black-tar heroin.

3. Stephen Hawking drops by and uses the theory of expanded relativity to prove that the sum of the square of a show about nothing is actually a show about the absence of nothing and therefore a show about something.

1. Newman legally changes his name to “the Other White Meat.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.