Punch Lines

He’ll Wear a Special Sumo Thong Tux: Japan’s super sumo wrestler Akebono, who weighs 516 pounds, is getting married in September. “The lucky bride? Mothra.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Heimlich-Free: The NBA is opening a worldwide chain of restaurants. “Their motto: ‘If you don’t choke on your food, Latrell Sprewell will do it for you.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Cereal Surreal: Kellogg’s has stopped advertising specific cereals in favor of generic TV ads that say, “Cereal. Eat it for life.” “The Rice Krispies mascots--Snap, Crackle and Pop--have already found new jobs as spokesmen for the National Assn. of Chiropractors.” (Bob Mills)

As Bad as a Movie Wants to Be: ABC aired a movie based on the life of Dennis Rodman last week. “It was a predictable plot. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy dresses like girl.” (Argus Hamilton)

Recessive Gene: After years of searching, scientists have located the gene for baldness. “Another gene was covering it up.” (Joe Kevany)

Unsinkable: “Titanic” is still doing well at the box office. “Why doesn’t anybody tell the story from the iceberg’s point of view? ‘Hey, I was just sitting out there, minding my own business and they ran into me. Now I’m made out to be the bad guy.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Bear Necessities: Smokey Bear turned 54 recently. “He’s a typical government employee. Never does any work. He just leans on a shovel saying, ‘Only you can prevent forest fires.’ So what are we paying you for, Bear? You don’t go down the street and see guys leaning on shovels by potholes saying, ‘Only you can fix this pothole.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Mandatory Clinton Joke: “Sources familiar with the White House sex scandal now suggest that Monica Lewinsky was just using Clinton to get a job at Revlon.” (Michael Feldman)

Birthday Suit Boy: Alex Comfort, the author of “The Joy of Sex,” just turned 78. “He also has a new book out called ‘The Joy of Remembering Sex.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Shear Idiocy: A recent report says taxpayers have spent nearly $2 million on haircuts for senators during the past five years. “This is just another example of miscommunication: We want tax cuts, not haircuts.” (Paul Steinberg)

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