Punch Lines
No Icebergs Involved: “El Nin~o storms are now interrupting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.” (Argus Hamilton)
Prison Brawl, Take One: Robert Downey Jr. was involved in a prison fight. “But he wasn’t hurt. For the more dangerous punches, the warden brought in a stunt inmate.” (Alan Ray)
More Good Economic News: AT&T; announced last week it will lay off up to 18,000 employees. “Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called ‘job forwarding.’ ” (Hamilton)
Love, Orangutan Style: The L.A. Zoo had a love tour over Valentine’s weekend. You could walk through the zoo and watch animals mating. “Isn’t that a creepy way to make money, charging people to watch animals mate? What’s next, a 900 number to talk dirty with parrots? ‘Bawk! What’re you wearing? Bawk!’ ” (Jay Leno)
Olympic Update: CBS is tape-delaying some Winter Olympic events and then pretending the events are “live” when they’re really not. “Don’t we get enough of that watching ’60 Minutes’ with Mike Wallace and Andy Rooney?” (Steve Voldseth)
Olympic II: A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. “Olympic officials should know better. The snowboard was invented because a stoned skier couldn’t remember where he put his other ski.” (Bill Williams)
Math Wizardry: IBM is working on a computer capable of 10 trillion calculations per second. “The only thing faster is a fourth-quarter crowd at a Clippers game heading for the parking lot.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
Food of the Loom: Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker’s underwear spontaneously combusted. “Luckily, it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with ‘cherries jubilee.’ ” (Valerie Hansen)
Iraq Attack: Saddam Hussein’s stockpile is deadly. “The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with the sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.” (Hamilton)
We Almost Made It Without a Clinton Joke: “A new study shows that 40% of workplace romances lead to marriage. The other 60% lead to impeachment.” (Conan O’Brien)
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.