Punch Lines

Labor Pains: The Teamsters Union is broke. “Things are so bad, they may have to lay off 100 congressmen.” (Jay Leno)

Mayday: Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week. “If you missed out, another collection of distress calls is available for $16.99: It’s Michael Bolton’s new CD of opera arias.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Fergie Faux Pas: Sarah Ferguson chipped a shoulder bone while skiing on vacation. “Vacation? Isn’t vacationing what members and former members of the Royal family do for a living?” (Gary Easley)

Turban Cowboys: A new law requires all Philadelphia cab drivers to attend a one-day etiquette workshop. “Among the topics covered: how to drink tea from a cup and saucer while extending your middle finger.” (Steve Voldseth)

Justice Overnight: In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS. “Unfortunately, the woman wasn’t home when UPS left the $80 million with a neighbor.” (Conan O’Brien)

Birthday: Motown turns 40 this year. “Wow, it seems like only yesterday that a little boy emerged from the dressing room labeled ‘Michael Jackson.’ Actually, it was yesterday.” (Alan Ray)

Toy Story: Dutch retailer Vendex purchased FAO Schwarz for $833 million. “Vendex originally just went into the store to buy a teddy bear but figured, hey, spend the extra 20 bucks and get the whole company.” (Dennis Miller)

Inhaler: “Ken Starr wants to expand his investigation to determine whether Bill Clinton is now or ever has been a Canadian snowboarder.” (Zack Taylor)

Politically Incorrect: About 90,000 Mexican soccer fans booed the U.S. national anthem in Los Angeles this week. “But the Anglo-Saxons retaliated. At the Westminster dog show in New York, the chihuahuas were pelted with strawberries and cream.” (Argus Hamilton)

Monicagate: In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend and “44% said at the White House gift shop.” (Premiere Radio)

Pie Patrol: An animal rights activist hit Procter & Gamble Chairman John Pepper with a pie last week as Pepper was receiving an award. “Pepper smiled and proclaimed, ‘These stains will come out easily with new triple-color-guard Tide with bleach.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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