Punch Lines

Soup Kitchen: Investors plan to convert Andy Warhol’s old studio into a theme restaurant. “But it will be open for only 15 minutes.” (Craig Kilborn)

El Nin~o: Rain, flooding, mudslides. “You know things are bad when you fill out one of those change-of-address cards and you’re still in the same house.” (Jay Leno)

Nin~o 2: “There’s been so much flooding in L.A. that weathermen say you should wait at least an hour after eating before getting on the freeway.” (Jay Leno)

Killer Bug: One of the anthrax suspects was also accused of ordering bubonic plague bacteria through the mail. “Police got suspicious after finding a letter from Ed McMahon at his house saying, ‘You may already have won a deadly contagious disease!’ ” (Bob Shannon)

Unsinkable: “Titanic” was tops for the 10th week. It teaches us that rich people are bad, poor people are good, and women are right about everything. “Who’d have thought the Democratic platform would gross $400 million?” (Argus Hamilton)

Jacko Land: Michael Jackson will erect an amusement park in Poland. Builders will reshape landscapes, construct facades and apply cosmetic touches. “And once Michael is finished, it’s on to the park.” (Alan Ray)

Were They From Bruno Maglis? Scientists are studying the world’s oldest known footprints. “They were discovered right next to the oldest known doormat.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

School Daze: The L.A. School Board passed a measure allowing school police to carry 12-gauge shotguns. “Good luck. The Crips and the Bloods just bought 300 Gulf War surplus Patriot missiles.” (Bob Mills)

Clinton Zone: Monica Lewinsky’s dad said he hopes the scandal doesn’t hurt the president. “So not only does Clinton have his wife out defending him, he’s also got the father of the girl he allegedly had the affair with defending him. He’s good.” (Leno)

Prez II: Promise Keepers fired its 345-member staff. “There just isn’t as much support for marital fidelity as in the past. Who says Clinton doesn’t have any second-term accomplishments?” (Hamilton)

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The Tape-Delayed David Letterman:

The top 10 Saddam Hussein nicknames include . . . Puff Baghdaddy, Iraqi Balboa, Jerry Husseinfeld, Leonardo Iraqio, the Desert Poodle and Saddamica Lewinsky.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.