Punch Lines

Self-Defense: O.J. Simpson says he’s taking several law courses in the hopes of becoming an attorney. “Simpson told reporters that being a lawyer would save him millions on his next murder.” (Premiere Radio)

We’ll Wait for the Video: Pamela Lee Anderson delivered her second child during an all-natural birth at her Malibu home. “Only in L.A. do you have bleached hair, silicone breasts and an all-natural birth.” (Jay Leno)

Kareem Carom: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been charged with battery for allegedly attacking a man in a Los Angeles parking lot. “He’s also been charged with traveling because he hauled the man around the lot without dribbling.” (Premiere Radio)

He’s His Own Son-in-Law: A lot of people are wondering why 27-year-old Soon-Yi Previn would marry Woody Allen, who is 62. “Psychologists say some women are looking for a father figure in a husband. And what better father figure than your father?” (Leno)

Bailouts R U.S.: The IMF gave $67 billion to South Korean banks. “In return, the banks agreed to lower interest rates, reduce their work force and--for the third and final time--to never back a Kevin Costner movie again.” (Argus Hamilton)

Scandal in the Wind: Elton John has reportedly been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. “Fortunately, it wasn’t as awkward as Elton’s last visit to the royal palace, when he and the queen arrived in the same outfit.” (Premiere Radio)

Rug-Free: A new drug called Propecia can grow hair on bald men but may reduce their sex drive. “Sounds like just the thing for Marv Albert.” (Hamilton)

Smog Check: Los Angeles is enjoying its cleanest air in 50 years. “It’s true. You can now stand on a high-rise in Santa Monica and actually see people being carjacked in downtown L.A.” (Leno)

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The Heavily Edited David Letterman:

Top 10 Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much During the Holidays. . . .

7. Every morning, you cough up Christmas ornaments.

6. People keep saying, “Happy holidays, Mr. President.”

1. You’re sweatin’ eggnog.