Punch Lines

Return to Sender: Unabomber suspect Ted Kaczynski tried to kill himself. “With what? A stamped, self-addressed envelope?” (Jenny Church)

Reconstructing Woody: More on Woody Allen’s new marriage. “Soon-Yi is rumored to be pregnant with what would be her first baby and, inevitably, Woody’s fourth wife.” (Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central)

Space Oddity: Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for three hours to fix a broken lock on the Mir space station. “Is that what it’s come to? You need to lock your doors in outer space?” (“Saturday Night Live”)

Poppin’ Mad: Pillsbury is reportedly updating its doughboy mascot to better reflect the 1990s. “Now when someone presses his tummy, he sues them for sexual harassment.” (Conan O’Brien)

Je t’aime: The latest “virtual pet” at toy stores is the “virtual lover.” Owners must provide virtual gifts, write virtual love letters and go on virtual dates, all leading to a virtual wedding. “The toy is so realistic it even comes with a virtual prenuptial agreement.” (Olympia Daily World)

Clones R Us: President Clinton called for a ban on human cloning, saying it’s “untested, unsafe and morally unacceptable.” “So is unprotected sex with other women, but that didn’t stop him.” (Daily Scoop)

Smoked Out: It’s interesting how bars are getting around California’s new ban on smoking. “At one club, instead of paper, the little drink umbrellas are now made out of nicotine patches.” (Steve Voldseth)

Golden Calf Award: The Golden Globe awards will be announced this month by media critics. Caterers will serve more than 500 pounds of shrimp and 800 pounds of prime rib. “And that’s just for Roger Ebert.” (Alan Ray)

Shotgun Wedding: A Georgia judge has ordered a man to marry the girlfriend he threatened to murder. “The judge will also preside over the couple’s wedding, concluding the ceremony with, ‘You may now kill the bride.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

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The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 questions President Clinton will be asked at his sexual harassment deposition . . .

6. “True or False: You own a pair of boxer shorts that read, ‘Home of the Washington Monument’?”

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