INTRVUU WITH DA 2000YRS OLDE WHALE

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV.

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QSTNMAN: IHEERU KNEW ZAT FAYMUS

PRAPHET, JONAH.

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DAWALE: DDID INOHIM? IDID SWALOW HIM!

UKIDN?

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CANUTEL US UR MPRESSN OFD MAN?

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SALTIE! SALTI ANND STRINGY UND CHEWEY!

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YET WEKNOW FRRROMM HISTORI DAT

UDONT ACTUALY DIGEST JONA.

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SOTRUE. HEE JJUST SITZ THER LIKA LUMPE.

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AMZNGLI DPROFIT LIVS INSYDE YOUUU

4AWHYL. WUTT KINDA 10ANT WUZ HE?

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NOYZEE! THA ENTIRE TTIME DMAN NVRQWIT

PRAYIN. “OGOD ILBEGUD! PLEZGOD GETTME

OUTTAHR! ILDO NETHNG! ITSMELZ IN HEER!”

ZATTIS NOT CALLED FORRE. YBNASTY?

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NTHE END UDO RETUNN JONATO DRYLAND.

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YESIDID. ISED 2MYSLF, “HUNDSIT?” SO ISPIT

HIM UP ANDI DUMPEM ONN2 ZUMABCH.

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HOWZAT FEEL?

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LYKACAT GETNUP AA FURBALL.

FEH! DONT REMINME!

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ANDTHEN USED GUDBI?

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IDIDNT SAY 1WORD. ISWIMM AWAY ANNDD

14GETT DA WHOLE THING. MUCHL8R

IHERDAT HEHAZ HISOWN BOOKE NDA BIBIL.

AAND WHATDO IGET? AN

UPSET STOMACH! GOFIGGR.

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For PL8SPK translation, please see Page 37.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Interview With the 2000-Year-Old Whale

Questionman: I hear that you knew that famous prophet. Jonah.

The Whale: Did I know him? I did swallow him! You kidding?

Can you tell us your impression of the man?

Salty! Salty and stringy and chewy!

Yet we know from history that you don’t actually digest Jonah.

So true. He just sits there like a lump.

Amazingly the prophet lives inside you for a while. What kind of tenant was he?

Noisy! The entire time the man never quit praying! “Oh, God, I’ll be good! Please, God, get me out of here! I’ll do anything! It smells in here!” That is not called for. Why be nasty?

In the end you do return Jonah to dry land.

Yes I did. I said to myself, “Who needs it?” So I spit him up and I dumped him onto Zuma Beach.

How’s that feel?

Like a cat getting up a furball. Feh! Don’t remind me.

And then you said goodbye?

I didn’t say one word. I swim away and I forget the whole thing. Much later I heard that he has his own book in the Bible. And what do I get? An upset stomach! Go figure.