Punch Lines

Beat the Heat: “It’s been so hot in L.A. lately, the National Weather Service reports that we got an extra inch of rain just from all the sweat off our foreheads.” (Andrew Wisot)

How Hot Was It?: “It has been so hot in Washington, Kenneth Starr is sticking to his investigation.” (Alex Kaseberg)

California Budget: California lawmakers hurriedly passed an $18.9-billion emergency short-term budget to tide the state over until the real budget is approved. “Without the emergency money, the state’s 250,000 workers would be idle. In other words, it would be just like any other California workday.” (Jerry Perisho)

Java Joints: Archeologists in Israel have found the remains of a Byzantine shopping area on the site where a new mall will be constructed. “What’s even more amazing is that the remains contain evidence of the world’s first Starbucks.” (Paul Steinberg)


Keep on Truckin’: The Air Quality Management District says L.A. is having its smoggiest year in the last seven years. El Nino is to blame. “It turns out he’s been driving a smoke-belching Kenworth diesel big rig between Long Beach and the Valley.” (Perisho)

Disappearing Act: “These seem to be pretty good times for Republican Newt Gingrich. His approval ratings are up, and he’s lost 25 pounds. Which just goes to show you, the less Newt there is, the more people like it.” (Jay Leno)

I Will Survive: Culture Club began its reunion tour last week. “Over the years, Boy George has survived albums that bombed, an addiction to drugs and, worst of all, bad hair days.” (Premiere Radio)

WWW Springer: The “Jerry Springer’s Too Hot for TV” video is finally available at your local video store. “Store managers can’t make up their minds where to display the tape: in the comedy section, or next to the pro wrestling tapes.” (Ira Lawson)


Sharp, Huh?: “How successful is the latest Zorro movie? Well, they’re already working on the Z-quel.” (La Monte Laments)

Casting Call: “Remember those 18-year-olds who were supposed to lose their virginity on the Internet? The whole thing was a hoax. Turns out they were actors in their 20s hoping this would be their big break. How stupid is that? Actors don’t get ahead in the business by sleeping with each other; you have to sleep with directors and producers!” (Leno)

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