Garcon, an Antacid Please

The county Department of Health Services has the power to shut down food facilities as long as necessary for the owners to correct conditions that pose a danger to the public health.

Here is a list of the restaurants closed during the month, along with their violations. Restaurants are ranked in order of price (dinner for two, excluding wine and tip).

A La CARTE d’OR

$$$$$

6 Alta Doheny Drive

Chef and sous-chef argument with bottles of kiwi vinaigrette resulted in slivers of glass being found in escolar timbales, and a prix fixe menu tiramisu sorbet rated far too tart for human consumption.

Closed Fri/Sat/Sun, as usual. Valet parking still available during closure.

*

SPAMDEX

$$$$

Somewhere on Melrose

At wrap party for sequel to “Titanic,” cast members’ contest of attempting to urinate in “Atlantic Ocean” contaminated soup stocks and stockpots.

Closed until Siskel & Ebert review.

*

FIDEL’S

$$$

Kitchen staff mixed up appetizer-sized sarma and $18 Cohibas.

Closed until a cigar is just a cigar again.

*

ITALISSIMA

$$$

Cited for falling below minimum required number of pasta items on menu.

Closed until white smoke issues from the kitchen vent.

*

CHEZ MOM’S LTD.

$$$

8780 Grubstake St.

Patrons complained of gastrointestinal distress from restaurant specialty “comfort food.” Laboratory tests pending.

Closed until Mom comes back.

*

MODEL TEAS

$$$

Corner of High and Mighty

Diners complained that portions were gross, icky and freakishly large, and that lines to women’s bathroom afterward were, like, way too long.

Closed until everyone drops that extra 5 pounds, one way or another.

*

DIM SUM MORE

$$$

777 Most Favored St.

Chopsticks found to be made from highly endangered African blackwood.

Closed until forest grows back.

*

LA MICA RELLENA

$$

1810 Avenida Cinco de Mayo y Litro de Mezcal

Shut down when inspectors found every single employee to be a bona fide U.S. citizen.

Closed until Border Patrol agents recover from the shock.

*

LEAN, GREEN AND CLEAN

$$

6410 Birkenstock Blvd.

Menu items listed as “free-range tofu” found by inspectors to be factory-farmed tofu raised under cruel conditions.

Closed until the moon is in the seventh house.

*

CAFETERIA

$

St. Biff’s Hospital

Sporadic outbreaks of salmonella (see previous month’s restaurant closures) subsequently diagnosed by emergency room interns as Ebola virus.

Closed until interns repeat med school.

*

SURF AND SUDS PUB

$

Baywatch State University

Zinc oxide inadvertently substituted for mayonnaise at salad bar.

Closed until surf’s up or coliform bacteria count is down.

*

SIG’S DRIVE THRU

$

Employees reported nausea from exhaust fumes from long lines of waiting cars.

Closed until Smog Check II is fully implemented.

*

DAY WATCH DONUTS

$ without badge discount

211 W. 187th St.

After police patrons complained that product tasted “funny,” inspectors found establishment to be immaculate, and cooking oil in deep-fat fryers was found to be fresh.

Closed until cooking oil turns rancid again.

*

MYSTERY MEAT #6

145 City Strip

Department of Animal Regulation became suspicious when dogs were frequently adopted from the shelter by employees of this business who registered each new dog’s name as Lunch.

Closed indefinitely. Criminal investigation underway.