They May Not Be MVPs, but They’re All Class Acts

On the day of Academy Awards, a tribute to screenwriters, some of whom proved more than capable writing sports:

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“I believe in the soul, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, long foreplay, show tunes . . . I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap, that there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweep spot, voting every election, soft core pornography, chocolate chip cookies . . . and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft wet kisses that last three days.”

--Kevin Costner in “Bull Durham.”

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“Don’t think. It can only hurt the ball club.”

--Costner to Tim Robbins in “Bull Durham.”

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“Hey, hang Whisenant, he’s hitting’s only .179!”

--A minor league baseball player after 15 KKK members stop the Tampico Stogies’ team

bus in search of an African American player in “Long Gone.”

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“He wasn’t a bad fellow, no worse than most and probably no better than some, and not a bad ballplayer neither when they gave him the chance, when they laid off him long enough. From here on in, I rag on nobody.”

--Michael Moriarity on the death of catcher Robert DeNiro in “Bang the Drum Slowly.”

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“There’s no crying in baseball.”

--Tom Hanks in “A League of Their Own.”

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“It’s like any other business, only here the blood shows.”

--Kirk Douglas on boxing in “Champion.”

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“You don’t understand! I could’ve had class. I could’ve been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.”

--Marlon Brando in “On the Waterfront.”

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“I’m not a has-been. I’m a never-was. I aspire to be a has-been.”

--Robin Williams in “The Best of Times.”

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“Athletes. They ain’t like us, you know. They’re like what you call freaks. Nobody can understand how they do what they do. They can’t understand it themselves.”

--Spencer Tracy in “Pat and Mike.”

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“If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.”

--Eve Arden in “Grease.”

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“Mr. President, militant women are out to destroy college football . . . They want parity for girls’ softball, volleyball, field hockey.”

“If I’m not mistaken, Gil, the courts ruled on Title IX about 20 years ago.”

“Yes sir, but what I’m saying now is that these women want that law enforced.”

“It’s a world gone mad, Gil.”

--An exchange between Michael Douglas and a campaign contributor in “The American President.”

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“We’re neglecting football for education.”

--Groucho Marx in “Horsefeathers.”

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“We’re not the team. You’re the team. We’re only the equipment, like the jockstraps and the helmets.”

--Nick Nolte to owner Steve Forrest in “North Dallas Forty.”

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“That’s great. That means I’ll have to see the Ice Capades again.”

--Woody Allen on reincarnation in “Hannah and Her Sisters.”

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“The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.”

--George Burns in “Oh God.”

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“I’d see an accident like that and feel so weak inside I’d want to quit, to stop the car and get out. I could hardly make myself go past it. But I’m older now. When I see something really horrible, I put my foot down--because I know everybody else is lifting his.”

--Yves Montand in “Grand Prix.”

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“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse.”

--Groucho to Margaret Dumont in “A Day at the Races.”

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“Mom died when I was 3 and I suppose Dad did the best he could. Instead of Mother Goose, I was put to bed at night to stories of Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and the Great Shoeless Joe Jackson. Dad was a Yankees fan then, so of course I rooted for Brooklyn. But in ’58 the Dodgers moved away so we had to find other things to fight about.”

--Costner in “Field of Dreams.”

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“Hey, Dad, you want to have a catch?”

“I’d like that.”

--Costner and Dwier Brown in “Field of Dreams.”