Punch Lines

Oscar Freak Show: “A brief note to Madonna: Medusa called. She wants her hair back.” (Jerry Perisho)

Oscar Freaks II: “What was Cher’s headpiece? A satellite dish from ‘Contact’?” (Daily Scoop)

Oscar Freaks III: “If this were a just world, before the awards show even started on Monday night, the tungsten steel C-clamp holding the loose skin on the back of Joan Rivers’ skull would have suddenly blown out, and she’d have instantaneously unraveled into a yapping shar-pei.” (Dennis Miller)

Oscar Tots: “Best screenplay winners Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are both younger than Burt Reynolds’ toupee.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Dawn Patrol: Tony Orlando’s backup singers are suing over sexist comments he allegedly made to them. “Wow. This could really hurt his career.” (Miller)

Scouting Report: The California Supreme Court has ruled that Boy Scouts can ban gays and agnostics. “Now if only the court would ban Girl Scouts from selling cookies.” (Paul Ecker)

OK, but What About Clinton?: A Purdue University study says religious people are more likely to be overweight than nonreligious people. “It’s those commandments. If you don’t cheat, steal, envy, kill or lie, the only thing left is eating.” (Argus Hamilton)

Toy Story: Mattel has a new Barbie doll called Cool Shoppin’ Barbie. It comes with a shopping bag and a credit card. “Bankruptcy Lawyer Ken is not included. (Steve Voldseth)

New Movies: “Primary Colors” opened recently. “It’s the first movie about President Clinton since ‘The Full Monty.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Dead Man Stalking: Missouri is considering a bill that would allow death-row inmates to have their sentences reduced to life in prison if they donate a kidney or bone marrow. “Hey, why not go ahead with the execution and take both kidneys?” (Miller)

Don’t Cry for Him: Andrew Lloyd Webber says illness is forcing him to slow down, but he won’t stop working altogether. “His new musical, ‘Illness Is Forcing Me to Slow Down, but I Won’t Stop Working Altogether,’ opens in September.” (Miller)

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