TV’s ‘Gargantua’ More Schlock Than Shock

As “Godzilla” is a derivation of “Gojira,” which melds the Japanese words for “gorilla” and “whale,” it stands to reason that “Gargantua” must come from some language’s combination of words for “cheesy” and “knockoff.”

“Gargantua” is a telefilm crazy-quilt, stitching together stock movie elements into a patchwork yarn aimed at the handful of yokels too dim to realize this isn’t the latest cinematic incarnation of “Godzilla.”

On a tropical island where bodies turn up in the morning surf with alarming frequency, scientist and recent widower Jack Ellway (Adam Baldwin) investigates seismic activity with his son Brent (Emile Hirsch) in tow. Happily for Jack, there’s a lady doctor (Julie Carmen) on the island eager to salve his damaged psyche.

Of course, the evergreen “Jaws” angle is introduced here--creature offs tourists; shutting down the beach is an unpopular option.

Gargantua is presented in four incarnations: Version 1.0 is a cutish, lizardy thing that befriends Brent and looks like a vinyl pool toy. It scarcely lives up to its title billing, but it does provide a “Free Willy” reference--Brent relates to the li’l beastie because they’ve both lost their mother.

The tyke’s big brother, Version 2.0, likewise can’t live up to the hype: At a 9-foot height, it can terrorize the locals but can’t even break through a chain-link fence. It looks like a guy in a velociraptor costume and moves in erratic hops.

Version 3.0 gets more seriously down to business--her chief contribution is scratching a few pesky paparazzi (was George Clooney an uncredited script doctor?)--but her hubby, Version 4.0, whose appearance practically amounts to a cameo, strikes the most fear in the most hearts. The two of them are both badly executed optical effects recalling ‘50s monster movies.

Even Gargantua’s origin is strictly low-budget. In the ‘60s, we’re told, pesticides were dumped in nearby waters, somehow resulting in mutant salamanders. This is hardly as impressive as Godzilla’s nuclear-testing pedigree, but, hey, these guys are only working with about 1/100th of “Godzilla’s” budget.

What else can you say about a movie that looks like it was shot on location at Universal Studios’ “Jurassic Park” ride? Baldwin sums it up best when he bellows, “This was all unnecessary!”

Alert the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” guys--this dud’s for you.

* “Gargantua” airs at 8 tonight on Fox (Channel 11). The network has rated it TV-PG-LV (may be unsuitable for young children, with advisories for coarse language, violence).