Punch Lines

Weight and Sea: Hey, today is Weights and Measures Day. “This is a big event on the set of ‘Baywatch.’ ” (The Daily Scoop)

Leo to the Rescue: According to the Wall Street Journal, in order for “Godzilla” to make money the flick has to bring in more than $240 million. “After hearing this the producers said, ‘Did we mention the guy inside the Godzilla suit is Leonardo DiCaprio?’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Dig This: Archeologists are abuzz over the discovery of fossils at an excavation in Kenya that indicate man’s early ancestors were walking erect over 4 million years ago. “They base the conclusion on small traces of an ancient form of Viagra found at the dig site.” (Ira Lawson)

If the Shoe Fits: Former Philippine First Lady Imelda Marcos ended her run for president. “She was originally considered a shoe-in for the post.” (Johnny Robish)

Getaway Car: Ford recently fired four managers who held parties with prostitutes and exotic dancers. “Actually, it wasn’t the partying that bothered Ford. It was that the parties took place in the back of a Chevy Suburban.” (Paul Steinberg)

Pompous and Circumstance: Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr addressed graduates at Texas Tech Law School. “He should be done with the speech by summer 2001 and will send the school a bill for $30 million.” (Jerry Perisho)

Windy Women: Twenty years ago the government announced hurricanes would no longer be named exclusively after women. “So why do they still call them ‘Gale’ force winds?” (The Daily Scoop)

McLitigation: McDonald’s has dropped a lawsuit against a Vienna hairdresser who called his hair salon McHair. McDonald’s originally found it offensive when the salon offered McCrewCuts, McHighlights and McToners. “ ‘We McSettled out of McCourt’ ” said a McDonald’s McLawyer. (Premiere Radio)

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Premiere Radio’s Celebrity Revelations:

* Dan Quayle: Only recently learned that Austria and Australia are separate countries.

* Janet Reno: Formerly known as Rambo Reno in the World Wrestling Federation.

* Bob Dole: Life story inspired the movie “Booty Call.”

* Bill Gates: Wife claims he truly is “Microsoft.”

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* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.