LAUGH LINES

“Water” Works: “The Waterboy,” with Adam Sandler, topped the box office charts on its opening weekend, bringing in an estimated $39.6 million--the biggest total ever for a film in November. It also was Disney’s biggest opening ever for a nonanimated film. “Just goes to show that commercials are more important than critics.” (Premiere Radio)

Meanwhile: “Pleasantville” is still doing well. “Ted Turner is offering to colorize the first half of the film for free.” (Premiere)

And Don’t Forget: This weekend marked the re-release of “The Wizard of Oz.” “Funny, but at one point I could swear the Munchkins were singing ‘Ding-dong, Gingrich is dead.’ ” (Premiere)

Speaking of Newt: Gingrich has announced he’s leaving Congress. “Chances are he’s quitting so he can write his memoir, ‘Campaign Strategy for Dummies.’ ” (LaMonte Laments)

From the White House: The president issued a statement regarding Gingrich’s retirement from Congress. “Clinton’s words--’I feel your pain’--would have seemed more sincere if he’d been able to control his giggle fit.” (Laments)

More on the GOP: Last week was the 124th anniversary of the Republicans’ elephant symbol. “These days, Republicans are looking for a more relevant symbol. How about the Titanic?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Enough About Politics!: The FDA has approved a new arthritis medication. “And I guess the initial results are very encouraging. In fact, four out of five people who are using the drug say they now can remove the childproof cap from their old medication.” (Steve Voldseth)

Street Beat: A new study claims that Southern California’s roads are in the worst condition in the nation, with 78% failing to meet federal standards. “In fact, poor roads in Los Angeles have resulted in hundreds of accidents, millions in car repairs and, most disturbing of all, countless tons of misapplied makeup.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Speaking of Makeup: Protesters hit San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown in the face with pastry desserts Saturday. “Hence the new song title, ‘I Left My Tart in San Francisco.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Double Old Seven: According to the Times of London, 68-year-old Sean Connery is going to play James Bond once again. “I think the name of this one is ‘Octoprostate.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Brassiere Bizarre: The folks at Victoria’s Secret have come out with a $5-million bra encrusted with diamonds. “I don’t care how beautiful or expensive it is. I can’t get excited about any underwear described as ‘encrusted.’ ” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.