Diedrich-Taco Bell Combo: Who Ordered Decaf Burrito?

The Diedrich Coffeehouse people and Taco Bell have decided to join forces.

Interesting. Can Victoria’s Secret and IHOP be far behind? “After you and your special someone buy that velvet thong, stick around for our pigs-in-a-blanket special!”

So this is what people in corporate strategy do, huh? The Diedrich people look around for a business partner, and they come up with Taco Bell? I guess this fills that long-existing void among the social set that has yearned for a taco to go with a cup of Frappuccino and vibrant conversation.

Although burritos won’t actually be sold along with cappuccinos--Diedrich is really just turning to Taco Bell for its franchise locations--the business partnership seems like the unlikeliest union since Playboy centerfold Anna Nicole Smith married 89-year-old J. Howard Marshall II. I don’t need to tell you how that turned out. Mr. Marshall is no longer with us, having left Ms. Smith a widow after 14 months of marriage.

It’s not that I’m anti-merger. No one was more happy than I when corporate combines like Time Warner and Citigroup emerged as industry powerhouses. They, at least, were the product of somewhat like-minded operations.

I must admit, I didn’t see the Diedrich Coffee-Taco Bell marriage coming.

As announced this week, Irvine-based Diedrich is hoping an affiliation with Taco Bell, along with other expansion plans, will enhance its competitive standing against Starbucks, which now has a franchise outlet on 99% of American street corners and in 43% of American homes.

Starbucks hasn’t been asleep at the switch. It has cleverly put some of its stores right next to Barnes & Noble outlets. Given that you have to have at least two years of college to enter a Starbucks, the connection makes sense. They’ve even broken down the walls between stores, so that one minute you’re wandering through the art history section of the bookstore, and then you make one errant turn and you’re standing in line to order a cafe latte.

Now, that’s a merger.

Diedrich must have felt left out. It wanted to bond with a well-known corporate partner too.

The bookstore idea was taken, so it looked around and chose . . . Taco Bell?

What, Arby’s wasn’t available?

Suppose Diedrich and Taco Bell went a step further, actually selling their products side by side? You could almost picture people saying, “I’d like a burrito and cappuccino, please.” Has any laboratory ever tested those two items to make sure they’re not combustible when mixed?

Maybe there’s a reason these two haven’t merged before.

It’s hard to picture relaxing in a Diedrich-Bell, listening to a laid-back guitarist who’s strumming ever so softly in the corner--as a stream of guacamole runs down your chin.

I’m telling you, it would be a mood-killer.

Coffeehouses are serene and quietly stimulating. You go in to chat and get into a groove, baby, not to accidentally stick your hand in some unidentifiable mixture of green and yellow sauce smeared on a table top.

On the other hand, the millennium is approaching and all bets are off. So why not a taco coffee house? It could open the field for all kinds of creative partnerships.

Why not LA Fitness Center and Winchell’s? You could show up for a 45-minute cardiovascular workout and then step into an adjoining room and put away a couple of frosted chocolate doughnuts at a reduced price.

How about Sebastiani wines and Wienerschnitzel, for those times when you need an insouciant yet noble palate pleaser to help move along that Polish hot dog that lodged in your upper chest?

A final thought: Why must mergers be confined to corporate entities? Why not expand the reach of an already proven product by linking it to an equally established corporate entity?

I’m just noodling here, but what if the makers of Viagra struck a deal with a franchise it could have all to its own? The deal would be that you could get a Viagra discount if you regularly frequented the franchise.

Off the top of my head, I would suggest Viagra and, oh, let’s say, Bob’s Big Boy.

Yes, that’s it. I can’t wait for the advertising campaign.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com