LAUGH LINES
Halfway Heidi: Heidi Fleiss, the notorious Hollywood Madam, has been released from prison and will spend the rest of her sentence in a halfway house. “During her stay, her call girls will only be allowed to engage in heavy petting.” (Gary Easley)
Disney’s Land: ABC technicians have been locked out by Disney-owned ABC in a dispute over their medical plan. “Walt Disney employees say the plan doesn’t meet their needs. Not covered are Sneezy’s allergy shots, Grumpy’s Prozac and Doc’s fee.” (Argus Hamilton)
First Lady First: Hillary Clinton will appear on the cover of Vogue. It will be the first time a first lady has appeared on the cover of the magazine. “The cover will carry the teaser: ‘When Your Husband Cheats and You Find Out From Congress.’ ” (Easley)
From the Sports Desk: Boxing old-timers George Forman and Larry Holmes insist that their bout in the Houston Astrodome in January will be the real thing. “Yep, as real as the grass beneath the Astrodome ring and the sky HUH? above it.” (Jerry Perisho)
Speaking of Old-Timers: The Yum Yum Donut Shop chain has purchased East Coast Bagel. “Smart move, because a bagel is a donut that has sat around for a month.” (Stan Kaplan)
Jackonomics: Michael Jackson is selling investors $100 million worth of bonds against his future earnings. “Of course, that’s not without risk. You might remember that M.C. Hammer crash of ’91.” (Jay Leno)
Troublesome Toys: An organization called WATCH (World Against Toys Causing Harm) has issued its annual 10 Worst Toys list. “Among the toys on this year’s list: Ebola Barbie, Rock ‘Em-Sock ‘Em Nuclear Reactors and, of course, any toy featuring Barney.” (Premiere Radio)
The Essential David Letterman
Items in the Dennis Rodman-Carmen Electra prenuptial agreement:
7. No kicking the wedding photographer in the groin.
6. In case of divorce, wife gets 50% of husband’s tattoos.
5. He’s forbidden from making more movies with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
4. Ms. Electra is entitled to all profits from their inevitable appearance on “Cops.”
3. She can still date other men.
2. He can still date other men.
1. Joint bank accounts, separate mascara wands.
Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
