Punch Lines

Two Thumbs Up: Tom Cruise came to the rescue of a woman who was being mugged on a London street. “When Tom heard the guy yell, ‘Show me the money!,’ he thought it was just another pushy fan.” (Bob Mills)

Two Thumbs Down: Even die-hard Howard Stern fans are trashing his new Saturday night TV show as the rating plunge, stations defect and critics have a field day. “The show is so bad, for the first time in its history the Federal Communications Commission may fine a performer for lousy ratings.” (Mills)

Joined Forces: The Pentagon announced plans to spend $50 million in the next year on Viagra for soldiers. “Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to let them read those dirty magazines again?” (Jay Leno)

Book of Innuendoes: Microsoft announced it’s coming out with the world’s first new dictionary in over 30 years. “The dictionary’s so thorough, it will contain all 500 of Clinton’s definitions of sex.” (Leno)

Our Ross to Bear: “On ‘Larry King Live,’ Ross Perot said President Clinton should resign to spare the country the process of impeachment--and spare us another interview with Ross Perot.” (Gary Easley)

Poetic Justice: The MTA will be putting poetry on 2,200 buses so that it might soothe stressed-out riders. “One poem will read: ‘Please come up with the proper fare, or we’ll put more pollutants in the air.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Tripp Someone Up: It’s reported that Linda Tripp has passed a lie-detector test in which she denied tampering with the Monica Lewinsky tapes. “Afterward, Tripp said, ‘Tampering with secretly recorded conversations between friends would be wrong.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

HMO Woes: HMOs in 18 states have announced that they’ll drop up to 20,000 elderly patients on Medicare. “They’ll be rejected on the grounds that they had a preexisting condition and chronic inability to pay exorbitant fees.” (Mills)

Roller Coaster: Amusement parks are always looking to top each other with more exciting rides. “Rumor has it the scariest of them all is in the works. It’s called ‘The Dow.’ ” (LaMonte Laments)

Did You Know?: October is National Kitchen and Bath Month. “It’s a cherished time of the year for Martha Stewart. She joyfully cleans baseboards, scrubs grout and saves fingernail clippings from the shag carpet for her traditional fall wreath.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.