Punch Lines

Lay the Blame: Investigators working for congressional Republicans recommended further charges against President Clinton for things Ken Starr overlooked. “Good thinking. Somebody ought to go to jail for killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.” (Argus Hamilton)

Smell a Rat: The Department of Health and Human Services is calling for a huge cleanup of U.S. cities, saying there are twice as many rats as people living in Washington, D.C. “That’s because America sends all its garbage there.” (Hamilton)

The Next Stop: The medical journal Lancet reported research indicating that diet pills destroy brain cells. “From now on Dan Quayle will be on billboards across the country as Joe Fen-Phen.” (Hamilton)

Liar, Liar: Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic says he contacted the White House last week to avoid war. “Milosevic’s claim was denied. President Clinton gritted his teeth, wagged his finger and denied ever having foreign relations with that man.” (Hamilton)

In Sports: Rain and foul weather put a temporary halt to Sunday’s Seattle-Kansas City game. Five inches of rain fell in an hour. “Linemen replaced their mouth-pieces with snorkels.” (Jerry Perisho)

A Crack Up: WCBS-TV in New York plans to broadcast its Nov. 8 NFL game between the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets in high-definition TV. “This is great news for the dozen or so crack dealers who can actually afford HDTV sets.” (Ira Lawson)

Top Honor: The animated movie “Antz” is the new No. 1 at the box office. “The special effects wizards were able to do something that no one could have imagined a few years ago: They put Woody Allen and Sylvester Stallone in the same movie.” (Premiere Radio)

Bug Out: Next month, Disney releases a similar flick, “A Bug’s Life.” “I’ve got just one thing to say: RAID!” (Premiere)

Party Buzz: More than 40,000 people rallied recently in Boston Common to support legalization of marijuana. “If the Boston Tea Party were to occur today, none of it would get thrown into the bay. They’d smoke it!” (Perisho)

Happy B-Day, Blockhead: Charlie Brown from the comic strip “Peanuts” turned 48. “He’s starting to age a little bit. Remember that curlicue that used to be on his forehead? It’s slipped down to the middle of his chest.” (Steve Voldseth)

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