That’s One Way of Saying They’re a Bunch of Stiffs

Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post on the woeful Redskins:

“Attention, Redskin fans! Attention, Redskin fans!

“Due to unforeseen circumstances--

namely the collapse of this year’s team--we are making a change.

“It’s no longer The Bandwagon. It’s now The Meatwagon. Official slogan: ‘Throw out your dead!’ ”

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Trivia time: Who was San Diego’s leading hitter in the 1984 World Series against Detroit?

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Say aaah! Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “AMF Bowling Worldwide is coming out soon with a Michael Jordan signature bowling ball. It will look like a basketball, sell for $113 and may convert the 7-10 split if you stick your tongue out.”

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Cornball: ABC-TV announcer Brent Musburger commenting in the fourth quarter of Saturday’s game between UCLA and Oregon: “The Bruins are still in a dogfight. The Ducks won’t go quack quack into the night.”

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Padre put-down: Bernie Lincicome of the Chicago Tribune, before the World Series began:

“The Braves, the Astros, the Cubs, anyone but San Diego, a team of so little allure it might as well be the Arizona Diamondbacks, which the Yankee Stadium rabble might very well take it for. Hey, west is west and if it ain’t the Dodgers, what difference does it make?”

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Capitol idea: From Jay Leno: “I think Clinton has been watching the [baseball] playoffs. Like today, he asked Congress to make the impeachment vote best of seven.”

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Medium or well-done? New York Yankee Manager Joe Torre, talking about how much a crowd can affect a player:

“I remember years ago in San Diego, I had made two errors on two plays. I was playing third base and somebody kept calling me a hamburger out there, and by about the third error, I was starting to get hungry.”

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Wait a minute: Guest columnist Tim Green of USA Today on troubled Kerry Collins:

“After leading Penn State to a 12-0 season (1994) and a national championship, Collins was the fifth player taken in the draft and heralded as the cornerstone for infant Carolina franchise.”

For your information Tim, Nebraska was the national champion in both the Associated Press and United Press International polls in 1994.

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Trivia answer: Kurt Bevacqua, .412.

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And finally: Ron Rapoport of the Chicago Sun-Times: “Of all the hopeless causes in the world, the attempt to get Yankee Stadium fans to behave themselves is the one most certainly doomed to failure. Too many New Yorkers are too proud of their reputation for invective to change.

“This brings to mind the experience of the late sports columnist Shelby Strother, who once stopped a stranger on a Manhattan sidewalk, asked for directions and then added, ‘Or should I just go . . . myself?’

“The New Yorker doubled over in laughter and then told Strother what he wanted to know.”