Give That Printer a Rubber Check

If there was any doubt in your mind that L.A. is the car capital of the world, Sue Helms of Whittier can dispel it. She saw a local menu that offered charbroiled chicken “on tire” (see accompanying). Obviously, this is one of the offerings on what is known as the rubber chicken circuit.

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THE CRITICS SPEAK: Helms adds, by the way, she finds the Only in L.A. column “to be just the thing to read after I’ve taught kindergarten all day.”

Hmmm. I’ve decided to take that as a compliment.

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COMMUTER COOKING: “Chicken Breast on Tire” may well inspire a sequel to the book, “Manifold Destiny--The One, The Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine,” by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller. “Manifold” instructs motorists how to attach raw meat to car parts, thereby utilizing otherwise-wasted time spent in traffic jams. The authors’ “Melrose Chicken” sounds delicious, if a bit greasy.

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HOW MANY VIOLATIONS COULD THERE BE? William Currlin of Cerritos found a sign at a local park with a prohibition against wading (see photo). But he points out that the international symbol seems to outlaw “walking on water.”

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WISE GUY: On radio station KLYY-FM (107.1), students from Pepperdine and USC faced off in a trivia quiz by telephone. The rules called for any student who knew the answer to a question to yell out his or her school nickname first--Wave or Trojans, in this case. But a station deejay had a better idea for differentiating the two: “Use ‘Brush Fire’ or ‘Drive By,’ ” he suggested.

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WHAT’S MY PARTY? Have you noticed how many candidates’ posters, from those of Gray Davis and Dan Lungren to those of the Assembly hopefuls, fail to mention whether they’re Democrats or Republicans? Most every office seeker seems to be running as an independent. I understand, however, that they still accept party funds.

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SIG-ALERT DU JOUR: Traffic was frozen on the Pomona Freeway on Tuesday afternoon because of a mudslide caused by a broken water pipe. Time to baste that Melrose Chicken one more time!

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A BLINKING RED LIGHT AND LOTS OF RED TAPE: This column published some of the unusual--and unsuccessful--excuses that L.A. traffic cops in the Valley hear from motorists trying to evade a ticket (i.e. “I have diarrhea and my muffler is giving me trouble”).

Rick Rofman merely depended on the workings of bureaucracy when he was pulled over for an illegal lane change in Alhambra many years ago.

“I handed the officer my license and registration,” Rofman recalled. “He looked at them, went to see my license plates, and asked why I had a Pennsylvania driver’s license and New York plates. I replied that I bought my car as a student at Syracuse University but maintained my family’s address in Philadelphia, had just moved to California, but might not stay.”

Rofman said the officer “scratched his head and said he just didn’t know how to fill out the citation. . . . He let me go.”

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WRONG SIGN LANGUAGE?The marquee for a hotel in the City of Commerce says:

SPECIAL TRUCKERS

RM RATE EXIT WASH

For the hotel’s sake, I hope that passing truckers realize the last word in the sign is a reference to Washington Boulevard, not a reminder to bathe.

miscelLAny:

Critics voted recently for the 10 most famous movie lines, the winner being, “Bond, James Bond.” I was disappointed they omitted a crack by gumshoe Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson) in “Chinatown.” As he surveys a corpse in the L.A. River, Gittes says: “Middle of a drought and the water commissioner drowns. Only in L.A.” I don’t know why, but I like that line.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.