Punch Lines

Grand Enrollment: At $98 million, California's most expensive high school recently opened in Lynwood. "The school looks so good that many kids turned around and went home the first day, thinking for sure they were in the wrong place." (Joe Kevany)

Big Brothers: A California high school football player allegedly threatened to shoot his coach. "Basketball player Latrell Sprewell, who choked his coach last year, offered to be his mentor." (David Christensen)

A Smoky Win: The L.A. City Council voted to virtually eliminate all outdoor advertising for alcohol and tobacco products. "Yet outdoors is the only place anyone's permitted to smoke anymore." (Johnny Robish)

Puff Daddy: It's been reported that Nepal and Guyana have the world's highest per-capita consumption of cigarettes. "I would have guessed the world's highest consumption of cigarettes is in old Humphrey Bogart movies." (Robish)

What's New?: The New York Times temporarily shut down its Web site after a hacker broke in and posted slurs and graphic pictures on it. "And to add insult to injury, the hacker then plastered the site's pages with colorful pie charts from USA Today." (Joshua Sostrin)

A Hard Search: UC Berkeley scientists need help analyzing data from the SETI telescope, which can scan 168 million frequencies at once. "Like guys on a Saturday afternoon with a remote in their hands." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

A Rough Ride: A Carnival Cruise ship traveling through Hurricane Isis caused many passengers to become violently ill. "Fortunately, the crew was prepared for such a contingency after dealing with Kathie Lee on cruises." (Andy Waits)

He Should Have a Jetta: A teenager is suing Chrysler Corp. after his friends put a hot French fry down his shirt, causing him to jump from his car and get run over by it. "He can't win that case. Written in plain letters on the front of the car is 'Dodge.' " (Bill Williams)

Pray for Him: "It's been reported that President Clinton is going to meet with a minister once a week to help him avoid temptation. The only problem is, she's a really hot minister." (Conan O'Brien)

Listen Up: "A four-cassette audio collection of the Starr report may soon be available. It'll be read by various well-known names--Bob Packwood, Clarence Thomas, Ted Kennedy. . . ." (Zack Taylor)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.

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