Punch Lines

A Blockbuster: President Clinton's videotaped testimony in front of the grand jury has finally hit the media. "Siskel and Ebert give it two cigars up." (Steve Voldseth)

Party Girl: A public relations expert says that if Monica Lewinsky wants to put her life back together, she should get married. "Monica says she hasn't received any wedding proposals yet, but she has been invited to several bachelor parties." (Conan O'Brien)

Bill's Bug: House Whip Tom DeLay urged an investigation of the White House over leaks of GOP congressmen committing adultery. "Republicans think everything's Clinton's fault. Now they've caught adultery from him." (Argus Hamilton)

Defining Terms: Newt Gingrich called President Clinton a misogynist and a womanizer who just uses females and then moves on to the next. "The speaker's current--and second--wife was unavailable for comment." (Gary Easely)

Hold the Line: "After the videotaped testimony was released, President Clinton spent much of his day making phone calls to members of Congress, who said the president seemed upbeat but no longer ended his conversations with his trademark, 'Oh, God, yes!' " (Craig Kilborn)

In Other News: Silly Putty is celebrating its 49th birthday this year. "In an effort to update the product's image and maintain a certain amount of political correctness, it's now to be known as 'intellectually challenged putty.' " (Ira Lawson)

Next Season: NBC announced it is laying off 250 to 300 workers. Other networks are also feeling the pinch. "In fact, on Monday night Fox aired 'Party of Four.' " (Premiere Radio)

Going Strong: Cal Ripken ended his consecutive-game streak at 2,632. "In a related story, White House press secretary Mike McCurry continued his streak, now at 3,745 consecutive fabrications." (Alex Kaseberg)

A New Hairdo: The original team behind the '60s rock musical "Hair" is launching a three-year revival tour. "The updated version is called 'Thinning.' " (Premiere)

Break-a-Bone Dancing: "Do you know break dancing is making a comeback? That's when you know you're getting old, when something you were too old for the first time around is now making a comeback." (Jay Leno)

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