In ‘Matrix,’ It’s a Future to Die For

I’ve seen the future, my friends, and trust me, it isn’t nice. It’s more like a dank pit. Yes, you heard right. According to the recently released movie “The Matrix,” we earthlings don’t have a lot to look forward to.

Hollywood’s current box-office success and media darling sits in the coveted No. 2 spot and has been embraced by fans and critics alike as a great film, but it doesn’t paint a pretty picture of Tomorrowland.

“The Matrix,” like many futuristic films, has humans fighting an otherworldly force that is plotting our destruction. The situation is practically hopeless, and as far as mankind is concerned, we’re lost because we’ve really let ourselves go, intellectually and emotionally.

If we believe “The Matrix,” it’s our own fault. And maybe it is. Maybe we’re dumbing down and numbing down already if we’re lapping up movies like this. Maybe all these films end up being high-tech and low-brainwave because the directors and producers think we don’t notice.

Follow me to the future as envisioned by the creators of “Matrix,” and I’ll show you what I’m talking about. Come on, hold my hand if it makes you feel better. Don’t be afraid--it’s only a movie.

OK, here we are in the future. So, what do you think? What? What’s wrong? Oh, you can’t see. Well, that’s because you are surrounded by dazzling special effects.

When Keanu Reeves dodges a barrage of gunfire, he catches bullets with his bare hand.

Sure, the special effects are nice, fun even, keeping us entertained, making us all gasp and ask, “How did they do that?”

What we should be asking is: How did things get this way? We should step up to the plate and blame ourselves for the current state of things in the future. After all, we are the ones who relied so heavily on computers. We are the ones who kept making them better, faster and smarter. They’re smart, all right. So smart that they are running things now. Because in the future, as painted by “Matrix,” we don’t have the brain cells.

For example, look at our hero. He’s the guy responsible for saving humanity. Wouldn’t it be nice to hear something more creative than “Whoa” come out of Keanu’s mouth? (And have you noticed he says that in every movie? It’s starting to become some kind of trademark.)

Another thing about the future: Everyone speaks in riddles or answers a question with another question. They can’t answer your question because they aren’t exactly sure of what’s really going on. That’s how dumb they’ve gotten.

Another postmillennial human trait: We are all totally without feeling.

Keanu and company convey the future’s inevitable doom and despair with a lack of enthusiasm.

They all talk like the walking dead. It’s their mission in life to speak in a droning monotone.

In the future, everyone sounds like a golf commentator. These guys would fit right in narrating a Discovery Channel documentary on the mating rituals of the Siberian yak.

During the movie’s showdown, just as the bad guy is about to snap Keanu’s neck, all he can say is “Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.” This villain isn’t angry, he’s not screaming, he’s not even happy to complete his mission. He sounds bored. And Keanu’s response: “My name is Neo.” You’d think he’d be a little stressed out since, well, he is about to die!

This frostiness is just the tip of the iceberg in the future, because what’s really happening is everyone is so depressed.

You’d think Laurence Fishburne and the bunch would be excited to find out they have found humanity’s savior in Keanu. But they aren’t. Instead, each one talks in a tired, old, Jack-Webb-in-”Dragnet” voice.

As if hearing the good guys talk wasn’t dull enough, here come the bad guys. These suit-wearing “Men in Black” look-alikes trudge around the city in sunglasses at every hour of the day. Do they work for the government? Are they with the Secret Service? And what about those funny-looking earpieces? No, they’re not hard of hearing, just strange.

The constant droning, lack of emotion and slow and dimwitted delivery from all the characters makes the future seem like a slow-mo snore-fest.

Here’s the really awful part. In the end, you may find yourself not caring at all what happens to the human race. You’re not alone. In this future, humanity is an endangered species, and few people care.

Why should they? We are so dull and emotionless we’re on autopilot just like the producers, writers and directors of these movies who give us hi tech effects instead of high quality stories and characters.

So come on, people, let’s smarten up and start demanding some movies with substance.

Because if we don’t, then maybe “The Matrix” is our future. And then we are surely done for. Whoa.