For God’s Sake, Please Pipe Down!

You think your neighborhood has problems? The police log for the Cypress area in the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise carried this alarming report:

“A resident was too loud while he was practicing for the church choir.”

IF AT FIRST, AND AT SECOND, YOU DON’T SUCCEED. . . . Malibu Times Editor Pam Linn noticed that a news release from the office of Assemblyman Scott Wildman (D-Los Angeles) had a spelling-challenged title.

Sure enough, a correction was sent along (after all, the subject was education). But news release No. 2 had new spelling problems . Commented Linn: “Educating adults can be difficult.” (See accompanying.)

AMERICAN HAIRLINES: Some much-deserved recognition for locals in the 1999 Guinness Book of Records:

* Most expensive haircut: In 1993, President Clinton had his locks cut by Beverly Hills stylist Christophe while aboard Air Force One at LAX. “The full cost of his ‘runway trim,’ taking into account delays to other aircraft,” Guinness says, “was estimated at more than $83,000.” (Yes, but that included the tip.)

* Richest Hollywood pet: Actress Ava Gardner’s beloved corgi “was left a monthly salary and his own limousine and maid when the star passed away in 1990. He lived off his inheritance for seven years in a Hollywood mansion before passing away at the age of 17.” The hound “was buried in the backyard of the actress’ friend, Gregory Peck.”

* Most devoted method actor: While making the 1988 film “Vampire’s Kiss,” Nicolas Cage ate six live cockroaches to make a scene “really shock.” (Not to be confused with the feat of non-actor Danny Capps, who spit dead crickets a record distance of 32 feet and 1/2 inch, during a Guinness TV special on June 26, 1998.)

* Longest cow pie throw: “Under the ‘non-sphericalization and 100% organic rule,” Steve Urner achieved a distance of 166 feet at the Mountain Festival, Tehachapi, Calif., on Aug. 14, 1981. (No, I don’t know what the “non-sphericalization and 100% organic rule” is, and I don’t want to know).

IT’S A CAT’S LIFE: Ava Gardner’s dog inherits a maid, and look what the poor feline in one advertisement gets. (See accompanying.)

AMATEUR HOUR? On a Qantas flight here from Sydney, Australia, Bob Dunagan says, passengers were shown a travelogue that mentioned Southern California has two “professional” football teams: one in the Rose Bowl, the other in the Coliseum. Please! Let’s not have another scandal. UCLA and USC are college football teams.

Or was that some sly Aussie humor about the state of big-time U.S. amateur sports?

USC FINALLY OUTPOINTS UCLA: Speaking of those two franchises--I mean, schools--Lou Davis noticed that since the National Weather Service moved its downtown weather station to USC, the Trojans and UCLA are rivals in the weather report (see accompanying). Another station is in Westwood.

“Have you noticed that the daily readings for downtown-USC are consistently several points higher than UCLA’s?” asked Davis. “Fight on!”

I suppose a Bruin fan might respond that UCLA is on something of a hot streak in football, having outscored USC eight straight times.

miscelLAny:

In the book “Millennium Mania,” author Stephen Fowler notes that in 1900 an Indianapolis newspaper published several predictions about scientific advances in the 20th century, including the digging of a train tunnel “through the earth to China” from the United States. Sounds almost as wild as the MTA building a subway tunnel from Hollywood to the San Fernando Valley.

Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.