We’d Rather Not Answer

Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him? Would you rather drool Drano or exhale Raid? Would you rather drink an entire bottle of vinegar or read “War and Peace” cover to cover? Such are the questions posed in “Would You Rather . . . ?” (Plume, 1997) and “Would You Rather 2: Electric Boogaloo” (Plume, 1999), which list a total of more than 500 truly bizarre dilemmas that would never cross the mind of a sane person.

“Sit around with a bunch of friends and read a question to one another, discussing it until the momentum of the conversation fades into awkward stares and glances,” the books’ authors advise. They suggest that readers remove their books from the bathroom first.

Described by one critic as “The Bible meets H.R. Pufnstuf,” the first book includes questions on everything from generally unpleasant stuff (would you rather have your head explode or implode?) to sex (would you rather watch porno with your parents or watch a porno movie starring your parents?). The first “Would You Rather” contains more than 200 questions, which the authors said left them feeling that they’d exhausted their shtick.

For a sequel, the two pondered other topics: “If I Conquered France, I’d . . .”, “Dear Paula Poundstone” and “Do You Look Like a Pharaoh?” They rejected those titles, thinking there was even less material to mine on such subjects.

The sequel, out next month, begins with the quandary: Would you rather be Justin Heimberg or David Gomberg, the books’ authors?

Heimberg, it reads, is “an idealistic comedy writer.” Gomberg is “an anemic toy inventor.” “You must choose!” the authors demand of their readers, before allowing them to advance to Chapter 1, “Cursed Again!,” in which readers must choose between two physical deformities: Would you rather have asparagus for fingers or corduroy skin?

Good question.

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