Will He Line Up on the Port Side or Starboard?

When Wisconsin lines up against Stanford at the Rose Bowl on Jan. 1, it might fall to 19-year-old Badger freshman tight end Matt Mialik to do the dirty work.

According to his father, former Atlanta Falcon and San Diego Charger tight end Larry Mialik, the kid is used to it.

The elder Mialik turned to yacht racing once his NFL days were over and was a grinder in the America’s Cup campaigns of 1987 and 1992 and is at it again aboard Stars & Stripes in New Zealand right now.

His son, he said, helped in the first two campaigns.

“He cleaned the bilge every day,” Mialik told the New Zealand Herald, “and he was so little we’d send him up the mast to do things. We wouldn’t do that now--he’s 235 pounds these days.”

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Trivia time: Which golfer was the first to win all four pro majors?

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Who’s on second: Why did the Dodgers trade Eric Young to the Chicago Cubs?

Because, says the Chicago Tribune’s Skip Bayless, Dodger Manager Davey Johnson “no longer could stand watching second baseman Young turn the double play like Lucy Ricardo impersonating a Dodger.”

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Seeing red: Jamaican World Cup ’98 striker Walter Boyd was sent into an English soccer game recently when play had been stopped for a free kick.

But Boyd’s first action when walking onto the field was to throw an elbow at an opposing player. Referee Clive Wilkes immediately red-carded him.

That, according to the Assn. of Football Statisticians, means that Boyd was thrown out of a game he technically did not take part in since play had not been restarted when he committed the foul.

It goes into the books as an ejection after zero seconds.

If Boyd wants to look on the positive side, he has set a world record that can never be broken.

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Stuck in first gear: Darrell Waltrip says NASCAR racing has changed.

“A lot of people look at racing like it is only mechanical,” the three-time Winston Cup champion said. “They think it’s all cars, tracks and going around in circles, but now racing is way beyond that. There is much more emphasis on entertainment.”

Not to mention cars, tracks and going around in circles.

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Puzzling: The New Orleans Saints are a woeful 2-11 this season and a miserable 14-31 overall under $2-million-a-year Coach Mike Ditka.

Not to worry, Ditka says.

“I still think we got the pieces to the puzzle. They’re just upside down right now.”

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Glad you asked: From the Caught on the Fly column in the Sporting News:

“What’s the point of second-, third- and fourth-tier bowls? Think of it this way, booster-breath: Dear ol’ alma maters gettin’ weeks-o-practice (read: built-in ’00 advantage) that D-I programs wanderin’ bowl-free wilderness don’t get.”

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Trivia answer: Gene Sarazen.

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And finally: Don’t try telling Wasim Akram, Pakistan’s national team captain, that cricket fans are gentlemen.

“Whenever we lose,” he said, “I phone my wife at home and tell her to park the car at the neighbors so it won’t get stoned.”