LAUGH LINES

Trophy Lives: “The University of Wisconsin’s Ron Dayne has become this year’s Heisman Trophy winner, with over 2,000 votes. Supposedly the last person to win a Heisman Trophy by such a landslide was Fred Goldman.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Fast Track: “Woody Allen said he was surprised to learn his 12-year-old son is taking college courses. I guess his son is quite a prodigy. He said he really hasn’t had much contact with his children since he started dating one of them.” (Jay Leno)

Lost and Found: “In Sydney, Australia, a mysterious UFO has landed in a local county dam. In fact, authorities say there’s even some writing on it, but so far, all they can make out are the words ‘Mars’ and ‘Lander.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

It’s Remarkable: George W. Bush was asked at the Iowa debate last week to name his favorite philosopher. “He replied, ‘Christ.’ Some TV viewers thought it was a great answer to the question, while others thought he was reacting to the question.” (Argus Hamilton)

Final Answer: “Former President Jimmy Carter led a U.S. diplomatic delegation down to Panama last week to hand over the Panama Canal. He was an odd choice for the ceremony. A giveaway this big is usually hosted by Regis Philbin.” (Hamilton)

Out With a Bang: President Clinton has joined the crowd who’ll celebrate the beginning of the new millennium on Jan. 1, 2000, instead of the year 2001. “However, his celebration of the new millennium is nothing compared to the party he’s planning when Hillary moves out.” (Ira Lawson)

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