Slowly but Surely, the Cowboys Have Grown Tiresome

Frank Luksa of the Dallas Morning News writing on the Cowboys embarrassing 31-24 loss to the New Orleans Saints on Friday:

“The Cowboys eventually lost to the Saints in the manner of a man drawing water from a 500-foot well. It took them all day to get it done.

“Defeat exhausted the victims in a multitude of ways. The most notable was to confirm what has been obvious about Coach Chan Gailey’s team for months. They are composed of non-playoff metal found in tin soldiers.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the Rose Bowl record for longest punt?

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Rocking Rocker: Under the headline “Here’s the winner: jerk of the millennium,” Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times throws this verbal knock-down pitch at John Rocker:

“Sorry to disrupt your holidays, but ‘tis the fooltide season. As if taking one final stab at Ignoramus of the Century honors, Rocker tries in a single magazine article to negate any social progress America has made the last 100 years.

“He doesn’t quite succeed, but he doesn’t make us feel good about the uneducated, repulsive bigots who still lurk in our lives.”

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Quiet time: Some belated Christmas gift suggestions from Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post:

* “Dick Vitale: A microphone that somebody conveniently forgot to turn on.

* “Mike Tyson: A shelf filled with more tomato cans.”

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Let them eat sardines: Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “A number of New Year’s Day bowl games are taking Y2K precautions, and Orange Bowl officials have their priorities firmly in order.

“They’re renting generators, but not to light the field if the electricity fails. The power will go to hospitality tents so corporate guests won’t have to eat stone crab in the dark.”

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Canvas conclusion: Jacqui Frazier Lyde, whose dad, Joe, fought Muhammad Ali three times, wants to become a pro boxer and take on Ali’s pugilist daughter, Laila.

“It would be a great draw,” Lyde, who at 38 is 17 years older than Laila Ali, told the New York Daily News. “It would establish Laila financially and I would establish her horizontally.”

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More Lyde: On Frazier’s initially skeptical reaction to her desire to box: “He told me, ‘Your brains get shook, your money gets took and your name ends up in the undertaker’s book.’ ”

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Up to date: Tennessee Titan spokesman Steve Reese says the franchise’s move from Houston to Nashville made Y2K issues simpler because all the computer equipment was replaced.

“The footballs are all Y2K compliant and won’t deflate,” he said, “and the coffee makers still work.”

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Trivia answer: Elmer Layden of Notre Dame, 80 yards against Stanford in 1925. The Irish won, 27-10.

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And finally: Bill Conlin of the Philadelphia Inquirer says the loss of pitcher Curt Schilling for several months next season means 2000 will be “Y2NoKs” for the Phillies.