On This New Year’s Eve, We Could Be Ringing in the 1990s All Over Again

New Year’s Canceled!: Put away the party hats and champagne. In an extraordinary move, President Clinton has decided to extend the 1990s indefinitely until someone figures out what to call the next decade.

“Is it the double-Os, the naughts, the preteens or something else?” Clinton asked. “I don’t know. But we have to decide before moving forward. Therefore, I am officially canceling New Year’s. Instead, Jan. 1 will become Dec. 32, Jan. 2 will be Dec. 33 and we’ll stick with December as long as it takes to get this thing squared away. I apologize for any inconvenience. I feel your pain.”

Critics quickly denounced the plan, calling it a thinly disguised attempt by Clinton to stay in office by preventing the 2000 presidential election, which is scheduled for the first Tuesday of November.

“If Nov. 7 never happens because it’s Dec. 312, Clinton can legally stay president for another four years,” complained a Republican spokesman.

However, polls show heavy support for the 1990s extension, with 72% saying they welcomed anything that would enable them to avoid enduring another “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.”

Trading Species: A graduate philosophy student in New York has announced plans to become a reptile. According to Reuters, Eric Sprague has had his teeth sharpened, green scales tattooed across his body and face, and bumps implanted in his forehead as part of a bizarre attempt to transform himself into a human crocodile.

We predict he’ll end up as a lovely crocodile-skin handbag.

Shrinking Brain Bureau: The Iams pet care hotline has released its annual list of the weirdest questions from consumers. The hands-down winner for 1999, if not the entire millennium, comes from a Kentucky man who was mystified about why his lawn turned brown wherever his dog urinated on it. His question: “Is he peeing fire?”

Cat Got Your Tongue?: A kissing survey by Binaca reveals that 6% of Americans plan to smooch their cat at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

Alarming Trends Report: A Web site operated by the U.S. Department of Agriculture (https://www.nhq.nrcs.usda.gov/CCS/squirm/skworm.html) allows visitors to earn diplomas certifying themselves as “honorary worms.”

Off-Kilter Almanac: A White House pastry chef reports that Clinton will serve half a ton of 6-month-old fruitcake at holiday parties this year.

Y2K OK: Not everyone fears the Y2K bug, in which computers will think Jan. 1, 2000, is actually 1900. Reader Silvestre Vallejo comments: “If computers think it’s 1900, college tuition will be lowered to 4 cents a unit. And Hollywood will start making silent films again, which means we’ll no longer have to listen to such inane dialogue as ‘I’m king of the world’ and ‘Show me the money.’ ”

007 Bureau: Here’s a candidate for the Newspaper Correction Hall of Fame, from the Augusta (Georgia) Chronicle: “A photo accompanying an item in Monday’s editions . . . incorrectly identified Sean Connery as Dennis Rodman. The Chronicle regrets the error.”

Best Tabloid Headline: “Surgeons Plan Operation to Remove Man’s Head From His Butt--Literally!” (Weekly World News)

Hmmm. We can think of several candidates for this operation.

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Unpaid Informants: namethedecade.com, Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire, San Francisco Chronicle. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.