LAUGH LINES

Onward: Bill Clinton has pledged to send 4,000 troops to Kosovo. “Didn’t anybody tell him that he was acquitted?” (Gary Easley)

Still Onward: The Senate votes cleared the president. “It was a sad day for Republicans and comedians.” (Daily Scoop)

Help Is on the Way: A third of Americans suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, according to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Assn. “Another social problem President Clinton is hoping to personally solve.” (Daily Scoop)

Trippingly: Linda Tripp appeared on the “Today” show and “Dateline NBC.” “She’s had a make-over. Like Paula Jones. Like Monica Lewinsky. Like Hillary Clinton. And they say this scandal made everybody look bad.” (Daily Scoop)

The Hostile Skies: The FAA says passengers convicted of assaulting or harassing flight crew members now face fines of up to $10,000. “Not only that, but their carry-on luggage will be severely restricted, their seats won’t recline and they will be fed peanuts--wait! No, that’s for all passengers.” (Bill Williams)

Good Plan: Tyson Foods is recalling 27,000 pounds of frozen burritos possibly contaminated with listeria. “But you know, those Tyson people are smart. Do you see how they’re getting around this? They’re creating a new label: Tyson Frozen Burritos. Now With Listeria--Freshens Your Breath While You Eat.” (Steve Voldseth)

Off Sides: After 28 years of covering football, sportscaster Frank Gifford is retiring. “When asked why, Gifford says he wants to focus full time on being yelled at by his wife.” (Conan O’Brien)

Fair Play: In India, a cricket player took all 10 wickets in an inning. “For you non-cricket buffs, that’s the equivalent of Nolan Ryan throwing a perfect game or Shaquille O’Neal hitting 50% of his free throws.” (Jerry Perisho)

A Better Idea: Tammy Wynette’s children had asked for an autopsy of the country singer. “Medical examiners have decided they won’t perform an autopsy on Tammy Wynette. However, they will be doing one on Strom Thurmond.” (Zack Taylor)

Down the Drain: The WB Network is pulling the plug on Carmen Electra’s show ‘Hyperion Bay.” “It’s good news for Carmen because now she can stay home all day in case her husband, Dennis Rodman, stops by.” (Leno)

*

Steve Voldseth’s

Top Rejected Names

for Washington, D.C.

Now that the capital has adopted the slogan “Washington, D.C., the American Experience,” here’s a look at the runners-up:

10. Washington, AC/DC.

8. Infidelphia.

6. DNApolis.

5. Quickieville

4. Santa Monica, oh Monica.

3. Pasasubpoena.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.