LAUGH LINES

Trying Times Revisited: President Clinton has been accused of forcing a woman to have sex 20 years ago when he was attorney general of Arkansas. “Another Clinton sex scandal? Well, it has been a few days.” (Daily Scoop)

On the Campaign Trail: Sen. Bob Smith made it official and announced he’s running for president. “The campaign has suffered a little setback. It seems the Secret Service turned down his request for protection on the grounds that nobody could pick him out of a crowd anyway.” (Jay Leno)

Same Old, Same Old: The federal government plans to take action to prevent on-the-job injuries caused by repetitive motion. “Congress knows something about repetitive motion--all year, it’s been motion to dismiss, motion to impeach and motion to remove.” (Argus Hamilton)

Be All That You Can Be: The Army may recruit high school dropouts. “It’s part of the new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Spell’ policy.” (Leno)

Be All That You Can Be II: The Army is studying a plan to recruit high school dropouts. “Hey, just because they can’t make correct change at the local Arby’s doesn’t mean they won’t be able to accurately fire a Tomahawk missile.” (Jerry Perisho)

In the Arena: Dennis Rodman is set to become a Laker. “There’ll be a promotion for the first home game Dennis plays in. Any guy who can prove he was drunk when he got married gets in for free.” (Leno)

State of Mind: Texas is launching a pun-filled ad campaign to lure tourists. “What do you think of ‘Texas--we’ll execute a fun time for you’?” (Bill Williams)

Wedding Bell Blues: A Las Vegas chapel is offering wedding ceremonies with a “Star Trek” theme. “I understand after the vows are exchanged, the bride throws her tribble in the air.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Next!: In Houston, a teacher who bought lunch in the school cafeteria found a dead frog in her broccoli. “School officials apologized for the incident. They said the frog was actually supposed to be part of the tossed salad.” (Andrew Wisot)

From the Science Desk: The scientist who discovered that the Dead Sea is capable of supporting life has died. “Unfortunately, he died from completing a study on whether the same can be said for Al Gore.” (Ira Lawson)

Soap Suds: Fox has renewed “Beverly Hills 90210” for a 10th season. “The show has been on longer than most of Tori Spelling’s body parts.” (Jennifer Vally)

Soap Suds II: “The show will now be known as ‘Beverly Hills 90210--the Soft Food and Comfortable Shoes Years.’ ” (Vally)

More TV Times: Actor Charlie Sheen may star in his own TV show. “It’ll be called ‘The XXX Files.’ ” (Cecera)

Check, Please: Johnny Depp reportedly spent $27,000 on dinner at a London restaurant. “Afterward, Depp said, ‘This kind of thing never happened when I was dating Kate Moss.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

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