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Suspend City Hall’s Phone Privileges?

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Did you read where the city of L.A. has forked over more than $800,000 in penalties for late payment of telephone bills during the last three years? Well, this is not the first time City Hall has had a hang-up with its phone service. A decade ago, it was disclosed that city employees had rung up more than $8,000 in charges on some 976 prefix, dial-a-porn numbers. Until access was blocked for the workers, one of the most popular (non-governmental) destinations was listed as “Call Me, I’m Michelle--Live.”

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CALL ME, I’M SACRAMENTO: The “Unclaimed Property” Internet site of the state controller’s office, the repository of bank accounts and other possessions left dormant for years, lists 10 uncashed checks made out to the city of L.A. (sorry, I only had room to detail two of the items in the accompanying graphic). Yes, Sacramento has money for the taking for City Hall.

The checks come to a total of about $4,000. Not all that much, but nearly enough to pay for one week’s worth of overdue city telephone bills.

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HE CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE FOR REPAIRS: Vern Machado of Covina snapped the site of a one-car accident involving a suspected drunk driver who didn’t apply his brakes in time, resulting in a realignment of a repair shop’s fence (see photo).

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“DUH!” SALUTE: Ruth Shelby Smith saw a tag attached to a doormat that listed every silly product warning ever concocted by a nervous lawyer, including these:

* Do not use mat as a projectile.

* Sudden acceleration to dangerous speed may cause injury.

* When using mat, follow directions: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.

* Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery.

* Do not taunt mat.

* Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat of any and all liability.

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L.A. VERSE: Council member Ruth Galanter sent along her ode to the City of the Big Freeway Shoulders. I’ll leave it to the courts to rule whether a council member would be eligible to be the city’s poet laureate, as well. Without further ado:

This is the city of all Angelenos

And oranges, lemons and (yes) tangerinos.

All of us grow here, preferably healthy;

Some people even become rather wealthy.

All of us endlessly driving the freeways,

Listening to news or talk shows or DJs.

This is the home of both givers and takers,

And also the Dodgers, and also the Lakers.

We’ve mountains and beaches and good ocean breezes,

And babies who climb on their grandparents knees,

And say to their grandparents “Please would you dandle us

Here on your knees in our city, Los Angeles?”

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QUAKES, MUDSLIDES, MEDFLIES, EL NINO AND NOW . . . In KFWB-AM radio’s new “Ask the Mayor” segment, host Kathleen Sullivan wasted no time grilling Richard Riordan. She began the program by sternly asking His Honor whether he had prepared the city for the invasion of . . . Dennis Rodman.

The mayor replied that Rodman would fit right in, at least in Hollywood.

If not, maybe someone could dandle him.

miscelLAny:

Peter Samuelson of West L.A. had to chuckle when he saw a magazine ad that pictured a grinning CBS anchor Dan Rather next to a screen display of CBS’ Market-Watch Internet site. Reason: One of its bulletins said, “CBS shares slipped in heavy trading amid a cut profit outlook.”

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Courage, Dan.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.

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